KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity, Inc., held his weekly press conference before the Pearly Gates this morning and discussed a number of topics ranging from “who put the bop in the bop-sha-bop-sha-bop” to the threat the coronavirus poses to his human customers down on Earth. During the presser, Christ acknowledged that last night he and his father, Larry “God” Schumway, CEO of Trinity, had gotten a formal request from none other than Vice President High Priest Mike Pence, and Jesus spoke about the request candidly.
Jesus played back the recording of Pence’s request via Trinity’s 1-877 prayer hotline.
“Dear Heavenly Father,” Pence begins, “we come to you today to ask of you a favor of a personnel move variety. We humbly request that you loan us the services of your son Jesus, as we prepare to do battle with the coronavirus. As you are well aware, we plan to attack this pernicious disease with the one thing we know will work on it — thoughts and prayers. Okay, maybe that’s two things, but I hope you understand what I mean.”
Pence was named as the head of the U.S. task force whose mission it will be to keep Americans as safe as possible should an outbreak of the novel coronavirus occur. The same day that President Trump announced Pence’s new role, the CDC issued a statement that an outbreak was more likely than not. While there is some uncertainty as to how widespread and how badly the outbreak could be, hundreds all around the globe have already died after being diagnosed with it. In Pence’s voicemail, concern is evident in his voice, but so is extreme self-confidence.
“Of course I’m worried and nervous for my fellow Americans,” Pence told God. “Sure, I’m confident I could do to the coronavirus what I did to HIV and AIDS in Indiana, but what if I can’t? This is why I feel it would be extremely beneficial to have the help of perhaps the greatest prayer warrior to ever live. With Jesus and I on our knees together, I am almost speechless at the possibilities!”
After he finished playing Pence’s prayer message for the reporters, Jesus addressed the request directly.
“Uh. The answer would be a ‘fuck’ and a ‘no,’ side by side, with an exclamation point at the end,” Jesus said flatly. “I really don’t like Mike, for starters. He gives my people a bad name. Motherfucker’s out there doing everything he can to hurt minorities and make rich people richer and more powerful. Those are two of my biggest bugaboos, and two of the things I specifically told earthlings to stop doing when I was down there the first time.”
But it’s not just that he doesn’t like Pence; Jesus doesn’t think it’s his “place” to handle such things.
“Look, you all have doctors and scientists down there for a reason. They can heal the sick. They can find ways to make food feed more people,” Jesus explained. “I mean, no offense guys, but I haven’t been down there for over 2000 years, and once I got back home after Dad told me I had to become a zombie, I pretty much stopped keeping up with human medical breakthroughs. So, the reality is that someone in a lab coat will probably have a lot better handle on how to protect you from the coronavirus than I would. Now, nailing yourself to a big wooden T and surviving? Yeah, that’s my field of expertise right there.”
The White House did not comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.