WHITE FALLS, PENNSYLVANIA — Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Gov. Mike Pence (IN) took a brief respite from the rigors of the campaign trail today to, as he put it, “take time and meditate on something very near and dear” to him.
“This morning, I took a look Me Time,” Pence told reporters, “because I’ve always believed it’s important to take time and meditate on something very near and dear to you, if it’s creeping into your thoughts a lot anyway.”
Pence said that he “couldn’t concentrate” on the campaign events on his schedule until had some personal time. During that time, Pence said, he focused his thoughts on “all the American vaginas he would have had under his supervision as Vice-President. Governor Pence said that Mr. Trump has made “certain promises” to him in regards to abortion, and now that it’s looking more and more each day like Trump will lose in November, Pence is concerned Trump might never get a chance to make good on those promises.
“Donald told me that I can be the new Vagina Czar in his cabinet,” Trump said, “and that’s a pretty big honor. He’s creating a whole new position, just for me.”
In Indiana, Pence has made a reputation for himself as a staunch Christian evangelical. In June of 2016, a Federal judge blocked an anti-abortion law that Pence signed onto the books. Pence said that was a “major blow” and it made him realize that if he wanted to “control all the vaginae,” he needed to acquire more political power. He saw teaming up with Trump as that opportunity.
“With so much trouble facing our country,” Pence told reporters today, “from the economy to immigration reform, the climate, and education costs, it’s obvious what our first priority should be. Namely, restoring America to the grand Christian theocracy it was always meant to be, with white, land owning Christian men having all the power, including over every single uterus and vagina within our beautiful borders.”
The governor also told reporters that he understands “with great vaginal power comes great vaginal responsibility” and that might entail having to “haul in” some of the women who aren’t using their vagina in a proper, small government-approved, way. For those times, Pence said Trump inspired him to create an apprehension strategy.
“It only makes sense that you’d have to round up the unruly ones,” Pence said, “and so yeah, you sometimes just gotta grab ’em by the pussy and get them into the meat wagon, know what I mean?”
Pence said that his hopes and dreams for the Vagina Czar position have faded quite a bit in recent weeks. He said that with polling indicating that he and Trump are headed for “certain electoral doom,” he has learned “an invaluable lesson.” That lesson, Pence said, was that he should have run for the presidency himself.
“During my debate with Tim Kaine, it occurred to me that people liked my looks and the sound of my voice so much,” Pence asserted, “that they completely forgot what a scary, misogynistic, religious zealot I am in my heart. I could’ve gone it alone, without Donald, and I’d probably win it all and get to control so many, many vaginae. Instead, what? I’m going to have to slink back to Indiana and only rule that state’s uteri with an iron fist.”
But before ending his press conference, Pence seemed to cheer a bit.
“I’ll be okay,” Pence said, “because I’m going to go pray on it real hard for the next four years. And you know what? I’ll be back, America, and with the blessing of the Lord Jesus Christ, I will control all of your vaginae. Each and every one.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.