Mike Pence Demands Fox News Carry Bill O’Reilly’s Contract to Full-Term

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rumors that Fox News will soon be working out a deal to boot Bill O’Reilly from its airwaves has sent shock waves through the media landscape, but it’s also reportedly upset one man in particular — Vice President Mike Pence.

O’Reilly has been under intense scrutiny as dozens of sponsors stopped running ads on his show, “The O’Reilly Factor,” which has been a staple, flagship show of Rupert Murdoch’s right-leaning news network from the very first broadcast day. Over the years, a couple of high-profile sexual scandals involving Mr. O’Reilly have come to light, but it wasn’t until very recently that a much fuller picture of how many women have accused of sexual misconduct could snap into focus.

“I don’t like anything being aborted early,” Pence told attendees at a prayer breakfast, “so I called Fox News this morning and I said that they better carry O’Reilly’s contract through to its full term, or they will invoke the wrath of the Trump Kingdom — excuse me — administration.”

Mr. Pence said that the “thought of all those un-watched episodes” of O’Reilly’s show was something that he and his wife prayed about every night since news broke that Fox has spent over $13 million settling sexual harassment claims against their host. Pence said he knew the “liberal press would insist Bill’s sexually predatory nature” be addressed and O’Reilly should be fired. That he said, is a “clear violation of those un-watched episodes’ right to life.”

“Don’t those episodes have a right to be seen like any of other episode of any other TV show,” Pence asked rhetorically, “or do those shows get a pass just because their hosts don’t get touchy-feely-gropey with the female staff?”

Once the prayer breakfast had ended, Pence took some questions from reporters outside the church. One reporter asked Pence if he thinks that the O’Reilly situation requires Fox to terminate his contract because of how much liability he presents to the network. Pence shook his head and told the reporter there is “never an excuse or valid reason to abort.”

“No, I don’t think there should be any exceptions,” Pence insisted, “not even when sexual assault or harassment is there. Fox News should have thought about this before they got into bed with Bill.”

Representatives for Fox and Bill O’Reilly could not be reached for comment before publication.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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