LAKE AMPHETAMINE, MINNESOTA — During a press conference held from his own basement this morning, American entrepreneur Mike Lindell didn’t just claim, without any evidence, that President Donald Trump would be restored to the presidency in August, which given his erratic behavior since last November might not be all that newsworthy. Mr. Lindell also used the opportunity to promote and tease the formation of his brand new company.
“Folks, I gotta tell you, as excited as I am to see what Sasquatch himself told me would play out vees-ah-vee Forever President Trump,” a sweaty Lindell shouted at reporters who were just a foot away from him, “I am even more excited to tell you about MyCrackPipe! It’s guaranteed to be the nicest glass dick in your collection, or your money back!”
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According to Lindell, he’s already got a handful of “top celebrity endorsements” for his line of crack pipes.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene actually worked with our design team and has a herself a signature model,” Lindell said. “Hers actually doubles as a holdout pistol and can fire a couple of rounds like American hero John Wilkes Booth’s Deringer did.”
Each crackpipe is hand chosen by Mike Lindell, to order.
“I’m literally sending you a crackpipe from my personal collection,” Lindell explained. “So that’s how I know, for a fact, about the quality and craftsmanship of every piece.”
Every MyCrackPipe comes with tools and accessories that Lindell says “every patriotic, glue sniffing, crack smoking patriot needs in their arsenal.”
“You’ll get your blowtorch. You’ll get a special limited edition MyCrackPipe crack spoon, but that’s not all,” Lindell teased. “Every MyCrackPipe comes with a roll of aluminum foil large enough to make several silver Make America Great Again hats-slash-klan hoods-slash-radio antennae to send and receive messages to and from Sasquatch, who is handling Forever President Trump’s transition back into the White House, later this August.”
MyCrackPipe will be available at the Mar-A-Lago guest shop, and in all Chick-Fil-A and Southern Baptist church bathroom stalls in the Bible belt.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.