ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY — When former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee came to Rowan County, Kentucky to visit embattled county clerk Kim Davis, who at the time was still behind bars serving her contempt of court sentence, many presumed he was just there for the photo-op. Among all the Republican presidential candidates, Huckabee is probably the most openly and ambitiously courting the votes of evangelical conservative Christians, and Ms. Davis’ legal battles over issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples plays right into the theme of Huckabee’s campaign — making America a great, Christian nation once again. But as it turns out, Huckabee may not have only been in town for some publicity; he may have been there on official campaign business.
Though many on the Hill have found his advice to Davis to be soundly unconstitutional and completely paradoxical in relationship to the First Amendment’s religious protections, sources close to Huckabee say he is about to double-down on his pro-theocracy rhetoric by offering a new role to the anti-gay clerk in his cabinet. Should he win the presidency next year, campaign aides are telling The Political Garbage Chute that Davis would be given a brand new cabinet position that Huckabee would create by decree of “our Lord” and who will answer only to “the authority of God, and President Huckabee.”
“Governor Huckabee is prepared to offer Ms. Davis a once in a lifetime role in his cabinet,” one Huckabee aide told us under condition of anonymity and a paid Ashley Madison account, telling us she’d be the new “Secretary of Christianity” and Davis would “oversee all things of and pertaining to Christianity in America.” Though his critics might be quick to point out that this new cabinet position sounds an awful lot like an official religious position, which would violate not only the spirit but the intent of the First Amendment’s text barring officially sanctioned religious activities, our Huckabee source told us, “the Governor is not concerned because unlike when a Democrat does it, when Republicans sign executive orders and act like imperial kings, it’s only with the best interests of the plebes — sorry, citizens.”
Campaign staff provided The Political Garbage Chute with some preliminary materials on the new cabinet position. Some of the Secretary of Christianity’s duties include, “making sure all Christian beliefs are being respected,” as well as “finding new and more subtle ways to enforce our personal and arbitrary moral standards on the LGBT community” and “ensuring that heterosexual people who have been married multiple times can stand peevishly over gay people who have never been married and tell those same gay people they are the ones insulting the institution of marriage.” The position would also be responsible for shining all the giant, metal crosses on top of church steeples all over America.
We asked our source why Governor Huckabee isn’t considering Ms. Davis as a running mate. “Governor Huckabee is many things,” the aide responded, “but one of them is not a radical. He believes that the Bible got it right — that women best serve society by serving their heterosexual husbands in any way their heterosexual husbands need, desire, or demand.” According to the aide, “and in this case, the governor is asserting his role of male over her submissive female role, and asking her just to be a sort of Christianity czar — a sort of Duke of Jesus, if you will.”
“We live in dangerous times,” the Huckabee staffer told us,” because it’s always dangerous for society when a group of previously repressed people gets the freedom to live their lives outside the bonds of religious-based persecution. If people aren’t allowed to vote on someone else’s civil rights, what kind of America do we live in? The governor believes we simply don’t live in America if busy-body, bored, scared and paranoid evangelical Christians can’t keep people under their thumb and act judgmental of them. Isn’t that what Jesus Christ himself wanted,” the anonymous aide asked rhetorically.
Huckabee’s staffer told us that people fearing life under a theocratic ruler “really have nothing to worry about” because “the governor is polling between Carly Fiorina and ‘an inflamed case of genital warts’ right now,” but he admits the campaign is hoping all the Davis press will catapult them up the ranks. “Do we think we can ever be as popular as Trump? Probably not. But if he’s going to take the racist votes, we’re going to try as hard as we can to get the homophobe votes, and we’ll see what comes out in the wash.”
There are still more than 400 days until the presidential election next November.