Ft. Antiquiert, Iowa — Presumed 2016 Republican presidential hopeful and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee made waves in the world of politics last week when he said that young men and women considering joining the military should consider holding off and waiting until after President Barack Obama is out of office. Speaking to The Washington Times — the world’s most trusted news outlet for non-partisan, non-hyperbolic, non-tabloid news — Huckabee said that he’d advise those wanting to enlist to “wait a couple of years until we get a new commander in chief that will once again believe ‘one nation under God,’ and believe that people of faith should be a vital part of the process of not only governing this country, but defending this country,” implying that the Obama administration’s support and key role in ending Don’t Ask Don’t Tell as well as the Defense of Marriage Act makes him unfit to lead the nation’s armed forces. Critics on both the left and the right called Huckabee’s comments over-the-top, but at a recent prayer breakfast held in Ft. Antiquiert, Iowa, Huckabee doubled-down on doubts about Obama, and gave Americans some more advice.
“Last week I told American boys and girls to hold off on enlisting to defend this nation because I personally find buttsex icky and it’s the only facet of a homosexual’s humanity I can focus on,” Huckabee told the 150 or so attendees of the breakfast being held at The Rock of Agape Love in Jesus’ Name Baptist Church, “and now I’m thinking everyone in this great nation may just want to hold off on inhaling oxygen for the next 18 months, until our communist, pro-gay commander in chief is out of office.” The congregation at first looked at each other in slight bewilderment, unsure of what they were hearing, but then Reverend Huckabee went further. “Do you want to breathe the tainted air that Obama’s vile, anti-religious policy of love and tolerance of all mankind has created? Do you really want to be forced by the big hand of government to take a deep breath of someone’s gay wedding? What if Obama writes an executive order tomorrow forcing all people who are Christians to walk into a gay’s home and breathe in and out for five minutes,” Huckabee asked his audience, “Do you want you or your kids to catch gay from all the gay particles in the air nowadays? I didn’t think so,” the Republican said as he answered his own question.
Huckabee raised his voice, invoking imagery of what his sermons must look like on Sunday mornings where he’s not appearing on television, projecting his own image onto thousands of televisions across America, stoking his own personal political agenda. “Think about it,” Huckabee intoned, “if the liberal, lame-stream media is going to try and get us all in a lather over air pollution because of carbon levels in our atmosphere — whatever those are — why are they not also protecting us from breathing gay air? If we have to worry about second hand smoke from cigarettes, why are we not worried about second hand gayness from breathing gay air?”
“Now, I think about gay sex and gay people and the gay agenda and just gayness in general quite a bit,” Huckabee continued. “I ruminate on it. I cogitate on it. I mediate on it. You may ask yourself, ‘Why does Mike Huckabee concern himself so much with the private bedroom activities of adult Americans?’ Well, the answer is quite simple,” Huckabee told the church goers. “Because America will never be a great nation until we give religious people a valid and legal reason to be abusive toward homosexuals, and I think Jesus Christ himself — the man who washed the feet of the poor and hung out with lepers and whores — would totally be down with my idea of hurting those who are virtually powerless to stop us, don’t you?”
The crowd ripped open applause at the idea of getting to keep systemic discrimination in place a little while longer.