Mike Huckabee 2016 To Focus on The Important Stuff Like Pop Music

SPOON AND FORK, ARKANSAS — Mike Huckabee isn’t sure whether he’s going to run for president yet. He has quit his job at Fox News to avoid any conflicts of interest though, and the way he is crisscrossing the country promoting his new book, it would seem that Huckabee 2016 is in full-swing. A recent press release from Citizens Who Give a Huck — a Super-PAC devoted to getting the 59-year-old evangelical into the White House — lends even more credence to another run for the former Arkansas governor.

According to CWGH, Huckabee will focus his 2016 campaign on the issue he knows Americans are most upset about. Said Carla G. Religieuzezealot, the spokeswoman for Citizens Who Give a Huck, “So many people in this country are asking for immigration reform, educational reform, environmental reforms, tax reforms, and just about any number of issues they think are the most important.” But, said Ms. Religieuzezealot, the real threat to continued American civilization isn’t any of those things. Instead, Religieuzezealot says, “But we all know that’s the folly of people who don’t realize that all our problems are taken care of by the one, true, American God, all rights reserved. So we want to focus on the real threat to our way of life — pop music.”

Religieuzezealot said that part of the reason her group gravitated toward Huckabee was his unabashed bashing of Beyoncé Knowles and her husband, rapper Jay-Z. “We all know what really takes countries down isn’t wealth inequality or lack of real health care or even lack of good employment to pay for food, shelter and clothing,” Religieuzezealot said at a recent press conference attended by a handful of independent journalists. Instead, she insisted, “It’s pop music, most notably hipper-hopper style and this new-fangled wrapped-up style that the urban youth are participating in. It’s a pervasive, artistic expression from a culture that has seen its people historically abused, repressed, oppressed and otherwise treated like second-class citizens and good, clean, traditional Americans have had it up to here.”

“It’s time for Americans to turn to their traditional pop musical roots. What’s wrong with good ol’ fashioned rock and roll?” Religieuzezealot asked rhetorically. Our reporter then asked Religieuzezealot if she was aware that the art form of rock and roll was originally played and performed as up-tempo blues and R’n’B, and that white artists like Carl Perkins, Elvis Presley and Pat Boone all got their careers by performing traditionally “urban” music for white audiences. “We didn’t steal rock and roll from the, uh, urbans,” Religieuzezealot insisted. “We just made it more acceptable to larger, family audiences.”

“Take for instance the classic rock and roll song ‘Tutti Frutti.’ We all know that when Little Richard sings ‘Got a gal named Sue, she knows just what to do
Got a gal named Sue, she knows just what to do. She rock to the east, she rocks to the west, but she’s the gal that I know best’ he was talking about a girl who rocks going to church so hard he can’t resist her. We need more songs like that in pop culture.”

“Or take for instance ‘Runaround Sue’ by Dion. When he sings ‘Here’s my story, sad but true. It’s about a girl that I once knew. She took my love then ran around
with every single guy in town,’ we all know what he’s talking about — a woman who won’t have sex with men because she’s too busy running around with them, getting them to go to church,” explained Mrs. Religieuzezealot. Our reporter asked if Religieuzezealot was aware of the fact that “rock and roll” itself is a euphemism for sexual intercourse. The CWGH’s spokeswoman said, “Well, that was before it was appropriated by good, clean, white, er I mean, traditional Americans, so now it means ‘Rock of Ages’ and ‘Roll Away the Stone from Jesus’ Tomb.'”

Huckabee also ran for president in 2008, winning the Iowa straw poll that year. He was wildly speculated to be considering a run in 2012, but opted not to officially throw his hat into the ring.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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