New Trump Leak Implies Mike Flynn Is Drafting His Resignation Letter In Russian and English

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With pressure the pressure cranking up on him daily, General Mike Flynn — one of Sub-President Trump’s top advisers — is reportedly drafting his letter of resignation from the administration in both Russian and English. Sources close to Flynn say that the decision to draft his letter of resignation in two languages was based on wanting “all parties involved to clearly understand” his reasoning for resigning.

“General Flynn understands that this administration has a lot of people to be held accountable to,” our source told us, “and that includes the millions of people who voted for Mr. Trump, of course. It also includes the dozens of Russian hackers and Vladimir Putin himself. A lot of people played a hand in winning that election last year.”

Flynn has been getting battered in the press and many are now calling for his resignation after details emerged seeming to prove that he had met with Russian officials last December, before Trump was officially sworn-in as president. The question is whether or not Flynn discussed sanctions that the outgoing Obama administration was placing on the Kremlin in the wake of Russian meddling int he 2016 presidential election. If Flynn was discussing those sanctions, he was likely in clear violation of federal law, and the next issue becomes just how much the sub-president and President Bannon knew about Flynn’s Russian communiques.

“The mood in the white house is quite dark these days,” our source tells us, “it’s so dark in fact that Spicer’s cut back his gum ingestion intake by 500%. He’s only swallowing a case and a half of gum a day now. It’s kinda sad. And I haven’t seen Kellyanne Conway suck the soul out of someone through their face in ages. I wonder if she even knows how to do the Dementor’s kiss anymore, to be honest with you.”

The sources we talked to could not and would not confirm if Flynn would be sending the letter at this time, or if it’s simply being drafted “just in case.”

“These things can change really quickly,” the aide told us, “but regardless we have to get the letter vetted before we send it to Mr. Putin. We don’t want to anger him, know what I mean? It’d be one thing to upset the sub-president or even the president, but it’s entirely different when you piss off the guy who’s actually in charge.”

Nobody from the White House responded to a request for comment on this story. Donald J. Trump was sworn in the least popularly-elected sub-president in the history of the United States last month, touching off several protests, many from around the globe in other countries.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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