Lake Cerveau du Merde, Minnesota — Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) garnered a reputation over her years in the House of Representatives as someone willing to speak her mind, even when most would keep their mouths closed. Bachmann was and still is a Tea Party darling, and her career in politics culminated in her aborted 2012 presidential campaign.
Since leaving congress in January, Bachmann has been largely unheard from, except in conservative outlets that couldn’t book a pet rock or a bag of used diapers to speak in her place. This week, however, Bachmann thrust herself back into the limelight by insisting that President Barack Obama’s policies were speeding up the impending Rapture — when according to those of the Christian faith true believers will be called up to heaven, leaving the rest of the sinners to experience The Tribulations that precede the end of the world — but at a recent fundraising event for a pro-life Super-PAC, Bachmann not only doubled-down on her insistence that Obama might be working in collusion with the Anti-Christ, she also blamed Obama for something entirely new.
“You know, the liberal lame-stream media is giving me all kinds of heck fire about implying that Obama is bringing about the Rapture,” Bachmann told the assembled social conservatives gathered at the “Care For All Babies (Until After They’re Born Then Fuck Them!) Prayer Breakfast. “But I don’t give a hoot about that! They just don’t like that I’m willing to tell the truth, even when my version of it contradicts the known facts of the matter. And I’ll tell you something else, not only has that Kenyan Communist Usurper in the White House brought about the End Times, he’s also given me a horrible case of the runny backsides!”
“That’s right, I am dead convinced that my doctor-diagnosed case of the runny fannies is all Obama’s fault,” Bachmann continued. “I never used to get the liquid hineys, but when I woke up on January 20th, 2009, my tummy was rumbling something fierce, don’t ya know? But I thought nothing of it at the time, and went right on eating whatever I wanted to eat,” the Republican told her audience. “I would stuff whole fist-fulls of Cayenne pepper in my mouth. I would eat nothing but Taco Bell hot sauce packets for a week straight. Then, that night, just hours after His Royal Obummerness had been sworn in, my chocolate starfish erupted like the Pompadour Volcano,” Bachmann exclaimed.
“Now, I ask you,” the Minnesota Republican asked the crowd, “when I went to my doctor and they ran a bunch of tests on me and said I had something called ‘irrigation bowl syndrome’ or something, who else am I to blame but The Decider in Chief?” Over the course of the next forty minutes, Bachmann regaled her audience with more of her predictions about the future to come, should Barack Obama’s agenda not be stopped. “Let me tell you one thing I know for darn sure tootin’,” she said at one point, “if you don’t wake up and stop Hillary from becoming Barack Obama II: Electric Boogaloo, not only is the Rapture coming, but there is even more terribleness in store.”
The former congresswoman then proceeded to itemize her predictions. “Every able-bodied American will be forced to quit their job and take welfare! Abortions will not only be legal, they’ll be mandated — where else have we heard that word, ‘mandate,’ before huh? Also, Christians will be forced to be the Best Men and Maids of Honor of gay weddings! The sky will turn into melting nacho cheese, that will rain down upon us, burning us with its nacho cheesy goodness! They’ll force good, clean, white folks to uproot their homes and move to the ghettos, and they’ll take your guns away before they do that!” Bachmann was wild-eyed as ever now, tiny flecks of white, foamy saliva forming at the corners of her mouth.
“This is true! This is all going to happen,” she insisted. “I can feel it in my bones. Just like all of my dire predictions about Obamacare have come true, so to can you count on me being right about this particular craziness. I have it on good authority that President Obama was there the night Bill and Hillary personally murdered Vince Foster all by themselves, and that Obama helped them bury the body. Louie Gohmert told me that if you look Obama in the eyes directly you turn to salt!” Bachmann paused for a moment to catch her breath.
“Look, while I am completely positive that all this bad stuff is going to happen, it’s not too late to stop it,” she told the congregation. “Amazingly enough, all Americans need to do to make their lives instantly better is elect a Republican. Yes, just by electing someone from the party that gave us the notion that cutting taxes for the super-wealthy gives poor people more money, we can fix America. By electing someone from the party that also gave us the DEA, we are standing up for freedom. By electing someone from the party that wants to be able to use their religious beliefs as a legal cudgel to bludgeon gay people, we can secure American Freedom for those who most deserve it…white, conservative, Christians and the people who understand their superiority.” Bachmann was just about out of steam at this point, so she wrapped up her speech, sat down, finished her cheese blintz, got in her car and was driven off to another fundraising event where she would give the same warning to another similarly scared group of people who don’t like the world changing around them.