Conway and Spicer Desperately Trying to Reach Michael Flynn Via the Microwave Network

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bannon/Trump White House is confirming at the time of publication that they are “urgently seeking contact” with former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, and that two top members of the team are using a secret microwave communication network in their attempts to raise him.

“We have been trying to cunt-can-Connect Four-concentrate-CONTACT Mr. Flynn for the last several hours,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters, “just to talk about this very obvious witch hunt against him that the media and Democrats are on, just because he’s like, been caught lying about the whole Russia thing, or whatever?”

Kellyanne Conway, senior adviser to the co-president, told reporters about how she’d come up with the idea of trying to get through to Mr. Flynn via a secret network of microwaves. Ms Conway said once the co-president’s Hungry Man dinner was finished “zapping” the microwave network could be powered up. She and Spicer are hopeful that Flynn has his microwave set to either “White House” or “Defrost” as those are the two settings used to initiate communication on the microwave network.

“The co-president understands that Mr. Flynn is a fine, upstanding grazhdanin,” Conway said, “and that only the liars with the gazety and on televizionnyy believe he did anything wrong. Sure, he fired Flynn because he lied to the Vice President. Sure, it’s seemed like his story has changed from moment to moment. Sure, he’s got shady ties to Russia, and sure he just asked for immunity after telling everyone last year if people ask for immunity they’re guilty…but does that really make someone guilty, comrades?”

Neither Conway nor Spicer was willing to share with the media any specifics of the conversation they’d like to have with Flynn, beyond their statements referring to the “witch hunt” Mr. Flynn is a victim of.

“No, I’m not going to tell you jerks anything,” Spicer shouted at reporters, chewing gum flying from his mouth, “because you all are so obsessed with the process, not the substance. Sure, the process informs the substance, and the process is just as vital to founding out the truth and who broke any laws, but it needs to stop! It’s really hurting our feelings guys!”

Conway says that “nobody in the White House or the Moscow White House” has heard from Flynn since his lawyers asked Congress for immunity to testify.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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