MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The government of Mexico has reportedly sent a communique to the White House, asking the United States to fund a new project that Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto told his citizens they desperately need to be completed.
“President Trump, the people of Mexico humbly request that you strike a deal with your congress to secure the funding necessary to build a wall on our northern border with your country,” President Nieto wrote to Trump, “for the purpose of keeping all the hombres malos de blancos out of our beautiful, sensible country.”
President Nieto apparently tried to appeal to Trump’s ego and desire to be thought of in a positive light in his written request.
“We’re sure being the master negotiator and deal maker you are, that you will have zero problems securing the funding for this very necessary wall,” Nieto wrote.
In an effort to explain why Mexico feels the wall is necessary, President Nieto pointed to the “patchwork of gun laws” that the United States relies on when it comes to firearm regulation. Nieto says that the “regular onslaught of news regarding a new mass shooting in the U.S. every couple weeks” is very alarming, and shows that the U.S. may not be doing all it can to “keep guns away from those who should not own them, constitutional right or no.”
“When the United States issues guns,” Nieto wrote in the letter, “it’s not giving them to their best. Some are rapists, drug dealers, domestic abusers, and some, we are sure, are good people.”
Nieto is “gravely alarmed and concerned” at the number of mass shootings in the United States. He says that he’s worried that a mass shooter might leave the U.S. and enter Mexico through the shared border between the two countries. President Nieto says that “it only makes sense” for America to foot the bill for the wall.
“You’re the developed, First World country that still treats firearms like some tool of the benevolent, instead of as deadly weapons that should be regulated more than, say, a woman’s vagina,” Nieto wrote, “and therefore it’s only fair that you guys be the ones to pay for this wall. We’re sure you’ll understand, of course.”
President Nieto says he feels the border between the two countries is “already very secure.” However, he says in light of all the recent mass shootings, he’s had to reconsider whether it’s strong enough to keep mass shooters out because they can “look like any average, white, God fearing, Christian American patriot.” The White House has not responded to Nieto’s request, and did not respond to calls for comment on this developing story.