Mexico Offers to Pay Furloughed U.S. Workers’ Salaries

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – -The President of Mexico has officially offered to step in and pay the salaries of furloughed employees of the U.S. government.

“It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the President of the United State’s tantrum will continue indefinitely, which we understand puts hundreds of thousands of our neighbors in financial peril,” President Andrés Manuel López Obrador wrote in a letter to both houses of Congress. “That seems like a humanitarian crisis in the making, so the people of Mexico would like to offer a helping hand to any and all employees of the U.S. government who are not receiving a paycheck thanks to the Trump Shutdown.”

President Obrador’s offer is for the Mexican government to pay the salaries of any furloughed employee of the American government, with no strings attached. However, Obrador did say that any furloughed employee who “wants to work for a government and citizenry who don’t take them for granted,” Mexico will pay to relocate them.

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“You don’t have to worry about coming over our northern border either,” Obrador writes. “Because we acknowledge the 21st century and understand most people come into our country in airports and other actual ports of call, unlike certain orange mierda-minds, if you know what I mean.”

When and if the American government opens back up, President Obrador says Mexico will not expect to be repaid for the salaries they pay furloughed workers. 

“Not while that guy is president. He never pays for anything,” Obrador said. “The Trump family is the Lannister family except for that whole ‘always paying your debts’ thing. They do the opposite of that. So we’re making this offer knowing full well that we won’t see a dime of it coming back.”

In the end, President Obrador says his country “simply cannot turn a blind eye and a cold shoulder” to their neighbors.

“Maybe I watched too much Señor Rogers as a kid, but I can’t help myself. I simply have to lend a hand to my neighbors,” Obrador said. “Because maybe some don’t understand this, but we get it — if your neighbor is in distress, that puts pressure on everyone around them. This offer is in everyone’s best interests, and I hope the orange angry one will consider it. Or, you know, stop being a tiny-handed crybaby and reopen his own government.”

The White House had not responded to Mexico’s offer at the time of publication.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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