Mexico Offers to Pay for Bannon and Kolfage’s Prosecution

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — When Donald Trump entered the 2016 presidential race, he did so quite auspiciously. In a now infamous address delivered in his Manhattan luxury apartment building, then-candidate Trump heaped anti-immigrant rhetoric on Mexico and the Mexican people, implying that they were intentionally sending rapists, drug dealers, and murderers across the border to commit violent criminal acts. It was in that same speech that he first proposed his beloved border wall, and promised his followers that they wouldn’t pay for it, Mexico would.

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However, over the last four years, very little new wall construction has been completed. What has been built was most assuredly not paid for by Mexico, which has steadfastly and flatly refused to spend a single cent on the wall. Support for the border wall is so intense among Trump’s base that his former campaign adviser and administration official Steve Bannon joined a group of equally-pro-Trump businessmen and celebrities and started taking private donations to build the wall themselves.

At least, that’s what Bannon and Brian Kolfage, a disabled war vet who started We Build the Wall with Bannon and others, told the people they were taking donations from. However, according to court documents filed in indictments against Kolfage and Bannon, they’re accused of bilking millions of dollars from donors and using it to fund their own lavish lifestyle. Included in court filings are assertions that Boaters for Trump also benefited from the scheme, buying large yachts with the money donated for the border wall.

Today, just hours after Kolfage and Bannon were arrested, the Government of Mexico sent a letter to the Southern District of New York, where the charges were filed. In the letter, Mexico offers to fully cover any charges incurred by the SDNY in prosecuting Bannon, Kolfage, and anyone else involved with We Build The Wall.

Mexico’s letter to the Southern District of New York, below:


We hope this letter finds you in good spirits. We imagine you are. Catching someone as vile and hateful as Steve Bannon in a fraudulent scheme to bilk people out of their money is probably like finally popping a pimple on your taint that you just couldn’t find for a few days while it grew and swelled and got even a little painful. Arresting that bridge troll must have felt like lancing a great boil, and we commend you for your fine work.

We, the People of Mexico, are actually writing to you today about the cases you have currently against Bannon, Brian Kolfage, and their whole cadre of swindling racist morons. It would be our absolute honor to reimburse our neighbors to the north, the American taxpayers, for every single time that is spent prosecuting those racist hucksters to the absolute fullest of your laws.

We mean it. Every sheet of copy paper, and every coffee run made by an intern. Every postage fee. Just send us the bill when it’s all said and done. We would consider it a drop in the bucket in service to helping hold super-duper gross pieces of shit accountable. 

We do not need an immediate response. Please, take your time. Just know it’s an open-ended offer. 

Again, congratulations on your fine law enforcement work, one and all!

Warmest Regards,

The People of Mexico

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
The Southern District of New York has not responded to Mexico’s offer.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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