Mexico to Use Murderer/Rapist/Drug Dealer/Some Good People Pipeline For Sending Harvey Relief Workers To U.S.

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — Officials in Mexico have agreed to temporarily use the pipeline they created to funnel rapists, murderers, and drug dealers into America for sending relief workers northbound into the country instead.

“When President Donald Trump, then just a candidate, called us out for doing nothing but sending America our worst,” Maricarmen Luis Montoya, Mexico’s Deputy Undersecretary of State told reporters this morning, “we were ashamed and embarrassed that our plan had finally been discovered and foiled by the Great Orange One. But now, we have an opportunity to send help through our pipeline, and not just our murderers, rapists, drug dealers, and some, I assume, very good people.”

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When Mr. Trump announced his presidential bid in 2015, many criticized his rhetoric about Mexico. Trump told an assembled crowd of supporters, after riding down an escalator from his luxurious Trump Tower apartment home, that immigrants coming up from Mexico are drug runners, criminals, rapists, and some he said “are good people.” Though it was widely assumed that Trump was just using hyperbolic rhetoric, meant to stoke an angry Republican base, Ms. Montoya explained that what Trump had actually done was blow the lid off her country’s biggest and most secret program.

“They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” – Donald J. Trump June, 2015 (Source)

“Yes, of course it sounds like the delusional rantings of a deluded individual,” Montoya admitted, “but in this exceedingly rare case, Donald Trump knew what he was talking about. The rapist/murderer/drug dealer/some good people pipelines have been up and running at full capacity for years now, thanks to generous donations from the Clinton Library, the Obama Institute for Sharia and Communism, and George Soros.”

Deputy Undersecretary Montoya announced that the network of literal pipelines Mexico built to secretly send the drug dealers, rapists, and murderers through to the U.S. can easily be used to send relief workers instead. The pipelines were built to accommodate several hundred people at once, and can withstand the force of all those feet going up and down the pipeline. In just a matter of hours, the pipelines can be pumping Mexican relief workers into Texas, where they can be sent throughout the Gulf Coast region.

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“While it will certainly put a cramp in our efforts to completely offload all the bad guys from our country onto the U.S.,” Montoya said, “We cannot in good conscience sit back and do nothing. We can’t take America down from within if there isn’t an America to take down, can we?”

It would be “just cruel and heartless” for Mexico to stand idly by and not help Texans in the relief effort, Montoya says.

“Come on, people,” Montoya said, “Everyone knows that Mexico has been waging a secret, silent war against America via illegal immigration for years now, but we’re not dicks. We have hearts. We have souls. To do nothing right now is just cruel and heartless.”

Mexico is asking for some “concessions,” Montoya said.

“Mostly, we’re just asking that Americans needing rescue be warned that a Mexican might be offering them a hand,” Montoya said, “so if they could just keep their guns holstered while our workers rescue them, that would go a long way.”

The White House has yet to respond to Mexico’s offer.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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