Merriam-Webster To Add Picture of Donald Trump To Definition of ‘Anus’

SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS — In a response to what they are calling a “tremendous onslaught of requests” from customers, Merriam-Webster has decided to add a picture of Republican presidential nominee and alleged billionaire Donald Trump to its official definition for the word “anus.”

“It’s obvious to us that most of our readers think of Donald Trump when they think of an anus,” Sherry Zissom told reporters at a press conference this morning, “and we’ve always been a publisher that yields to what our customers want from us.” So, Zissom said, Merriam-Webster execs decided to add the image of Trump to both the printed and online versions of their dictionaries.

Before making the decision, Zissom says that executives for the dictionary retailer spoke to various biologists. They wanted to ascertain, Zissom said, whether or not Trump could technically be considered an anus. It has long been the policy of Merriam-Webster that only completely accurate information accompany their definitions, so everyone wanted to make sure by permanently linking Mr. Trump to a rectal sphincter that they’d still be “putting out solid information,” Zissom stated.

In addition to adding the picture of Trump to all definitions of the word “anus,” Merriam-Webster will be making Trump-inspired changes to their other reference materials.

“All our thesauruses will have Donald Trump added as a synonym for the words ‘anus,’ ‘butthole,’ ‘asshole,’ ‘asshat,’ ‘douche-nozzle,’ ‘fuckwit,’ and ‘shitbird’,” Zissom announced. Antonyms for “nice,” “kind,” “intelligent,” and “doesn’t smell like diarrhea with ideas just as stinky” will all include references to and pictures of Trump.

Ms. Zissom closed the morning’s press conference by saying that “as long as the majority of humans on Earth consider trump an anus” Merriam-Webster has an obligation to update their materials accordingly. She said that the world has “trusted Merriam-Webster to give them the accurate, complete definitions of things for decades.”

“And if the clinical definition of asshole — what everyone knows for certain Trump to be — doesn’t include at least some reference to him,” Zissom said, “then we are failing in our responsibility to our readers everywhere.”

The new dictionaries will hit shelves in late August, and the online edition of the dictionary will be updated “when the engineers feel like it,” Zissom announced.


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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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