Merkel Offers to Comfort and Counsel Americans Dealing With Their ‘Angry, Fascist Despot’

BERLIN, GERMANY — German Chancellor Angela Merkel wrote an open letter to the people of the United States of America over the weekend.

The letter seems to piggyback off comments Ms. Merkel made in the press about European allies of the United States not being able to count on the kind of support they’d grown used to from the U.S. over the years. “The times in which we could rely fully on others — they are somewhat over,” Merkel said in a speech in the wake of a meeting with President Donald Trump, adding, “This is what I experienced in the last few days. We have to know that we must fight for our future on our own, for our destiny as Europeans.”

In her newly published open letter, reprinted in its entirety below, Merkel doubled-down on her speech, and even offered to be a source of leadership for “discouraged and worried Americans who don’t trust an Orange Diarrhea Golem to lead them effectively or appropriately.”

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To Our Friends in The United States –

I am taking this opportunity to write to you know about a subject that we Germans certainly have some regrettable experience with that you, the people of America, might not. Namely, experience with angry, bitter, bigoted, hateful, spiteful men who demagogue the media and lie like most humans breathe. I know by now even his most ardent detractors must hate the comparisons of your most famous, angry, fascist despot to ours, but sadly the similarities are there, and they must be addressed, whether or not his aides want to.

Please, if you are among the discouraged and worried Americans who don’t trust an Orange Diarrhea Golem to lead them effectively or appropriately, lean on us, your allies, in the coming weeks, months, and years. Take it from we Germans, it’s going to seem like you can never, ever get out of his shadow, but eventually — with hard work, compassion, and an open mind — you can emerge from these dark times with a renewed love of freedom and true liberty.

I’ve now had the distinct, um, privilege, to meet your president. Having never met Hitler, I can’t say this for certain, but there are some pretty striking similarities. Both men were laughed at, for the most part, during their rise to power. Both men practiced questionable hair grooming techniques  — Hitler with his mustache, and Trump with, well, whatever the hell that thing is on his head. He calls it hair, but I call bullshit on calling it hair, my friends.

Of course, the most obvious connection between the two men can be seen by simply logging into Twitter using a name that reads as even vaguely Jewish and then saying something critical of Trump. Doing so will bring out a swarm of people who would have felt very much at home in the Third Reich. But that doesn’t mean I want to paint all Trump voters with the same broad brush. Not all of them are ignorant Islamaphobes or racist.

Some just decided to team-up with ignorant Islamaphobes and racists. Totally different.

Look, I get it, okay? It’s going to suck for the foreseeable future. That trip Trump took last week was one embarrassing WTF moment after another. The weird Bond villain picture with the Saudi orb. The shoving of Montenegro’s PM so he could get to his spot for a portrait. Stuffing that Electoral College map into the Western Wall…okay, so maybe I read that one on a super-duper-funny satire site, but the others were very real, and very disastrously embarrassing.

But there is so much for a rational, sane American to be optimistic about. For starters, the Orange Shit Clown’s approval ratings are dropping faster than satisfied Trump Steak customers. A lot of Republicans who made the mistake of supporting the conman in chief are waking up to just how big a boner they’ve made, and unlike their choice of president, they’ve got themselves a massive boner indeed. The more evidence comes to light, the harder it will be for them to keep their lies straight, and eventually the majority of the country will support his removal.

Another thing to look forward to is your country’s mid-term elections. Provided the trust fund klansman doesn’t declare martial law and cancel them, all you have to do is flip the Senate to Democratic control and you can stop his agenda completely. Flipping the House, while much harder, is still very doable, and that would give you the leverage to impeach him and hopefully toss him from office.

Times change, as Mr. Bob Dylan said so eloquently. Germany stands ready to help the U.S., as the U.S. has done for us so many times since that little, minor, trifling thing back in the late 1930’s and 1940’s. You can and will persevere, it’s what you Americans have always done best.

Just remember the old German saying — The night is always derpest, just before the dawn. And nothing is more derpy than your entire current administration. Just keeping it real, y’all. But we got your back. Germany’s got your back. NATO’s got your back. We might think your president’s a douche, but unlike him, we won’t let our duty to the rest of humanity fall by the wayside in order to cozy up to fascist Russian oligarchs and Saudi nationals who sponsored 9/11.

Chin Up, America, 

Chancellor Angely Merkel

The White House has not responded to Merkel’s letter yet.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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