As Melania Moves In, White House Staff Hurriedly Moves First Lady’s Things From Master Bedroom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending nearly the first five months apart, temporary President Donald Trump and his wife — Second Lady Melania Trump — will be reunited under the same roof once again. Mrs. Trump and the couple’s 11-year-old son Barron have officially moved into the White House, and by all accounts the move has been completed without much issue. However, sources close to the Trump administration say it was “touch and go” for a few tense hours.

“The president has been so focused on his domestic agenda of lowering his golf handicap by six full strokes,” Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted in a slew of emoji that were translated by the country’s top linguists, who are fluid in English, hieroglyphs, and Gravy-Talk, which is Sanders’ native tongue.

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Sanders tweeted that Trump’s focus was so split between his golf game and his other golf game this weekend that he  “forgot to tell the White House cleaning staff the actual date his wife was moving in.” This left them scrambling to remove First Lady Ivanka Trump’s belongings from the master bedroom. Melania reportedly would not be very pleased to find Ivanka’s nighties and lingerie in the dresser instead of her own.

“Even if she doesn’t want to be here because she hates her husband’s guts,” one source close to the situation told us, “Melania deserves all the respect that a third trophy wife who wants to stop cyber bullying even though she’s married to the world’s most orange, angriest cyber bully alive.”

As Melania and Barron were touching down in a helicopter on the White House lawn, the staff was still hustling to remove the last few items that belong to Ivanka out of the master bedroom. Reportedly, there was a “large, special swing” that was one of the last things to be moved. Its size and sentimental value to both the president and his daughter made the situation even more fraught with tension and excitement.

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“The president bought this swing for Ivanka for a wedding present,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer managed to spit out after thirty seconds of stammering over the words, “but way before she married Jared. This was back when Ivanka was a little girl. But the president knew she’d love the swing; she’s always loved swings.”

With not a moment to spare, workers were able to get the swing and the last few vestiges of Ivanka’s stay in the White House master bedroom removed. The president gave Barron and Melania a tour of their new living space, and by the time they got to the master bedroom, nary a trace of Trump’s daughter could be seen. According to people close the situation, Melania looked at the bedroom for a few moments, and then asked if there was a bar nearby with “all the alcohol in the world.”

Just then, a White House aide came in with a martini and handed it to Melania.

“Thank you,” the Second Lady said, sipping the drink, “you can keep this coming, please.”

The aide paused and asked if she meant for the rest of the day, or the rest of the tour.

“No, the rest of the time I’m here,” Melania said, “just keep them coming. Hopefully the Republicans put party second and country first soon and we’ll be out of here. But if not, just, yeah, keep this drinks coming. I’m going to need them to live with the tiny handed orange one again.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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