CLEVELAND, OHIO — After she delivered what many in the audience called “the most original, fresh and unique speech of all time” at this year’s Republican National Convention, Melania Trump stunned the media by admitting that she has left a major detail of her childhood out of her official biography for years — she was born a poor black child.
“I don’t know why I never felt comfortable enough until this very night to divulge this secret of mine,” Mrs. Trump told reporters as she was heading to her limousine after delivering her speech, “but I was born a poor black child.”
This revelation stunned the reporters following Mrs. Trump and so they peppered her with a barrage of questions about it. According to Melania, she was raised by a family of sharecroppers and she’d spend “long days working and long nights singing and dancing on the porch” with her black family. But one day, something inside her “just changed” and she found herself wanting to strike out on her own.
“So my papa taught me the difference between shit and shineola and the next thing I knew, I was off to start my modeling career,” Melania told the press. She said that at first she struggled to find work anywhere but at a local gas station. Soon, though, she found her name in the phone book and just knew that “things were going to start happening” to her then.
When she landed a job with the traveling circus as a carnival barker, Mrs. Trump says she knew her life would change forever. And that’s when she met Donald J. Trump, a rich moron, and her life “was never the same again.”
“I am so glad that I rose up from my upbringing as a poor black child, and eventually will become the first black First Lady,” Melania said, “you know, if you don’t count that one woman, what’s her name, from a few years ago. I can never remember her name, or literally anything she’s ever said. ANYTHING.”
Even if her husband doesn’t win the election in November, Melania says they’ve already discussed a new business venture together that should secure their finances for the rest of their lives.
“It’s a device I invented that keeps glasses from slipping off your face,” Mrs. Trump told reporters, “and Donald thinks it’s the best invention he’s ever seen. So no matter what, we’re pretty excited about our future, really. Now if you’ll excuse me, they’ve asked me to write another speech, and I think this time I’m going to talk about how there’s nothing to fear, but fear itself. Then follow it up with a line or two about doing for your country instead of your country doing for you, and then I’ll do something on a thousand points of light or some shit. You know, all original and one-hundred percent me!”