Melania Trump’s Anti-Bullying Initiative Wants President of the United States Twitter-Banned

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While not all First Ladies throughout history have done so, in modern times, many in the modern era have taken up causes important to them, becoming their champions.

Nancy Reagan had her highly successful D.A.R.E. and Just Say No campaigns that every American knows completely ended illegal and dangerous substance abuse on the continent. Michelle Obama dedicated her time as First Lady to expanding tyrannical federal overreach into the food and exercise habits of American children, pushing the radical liberal agenda of healthy, fit kids who don’t mainline nacho cheese into their veins. Third First Lady Melania Trump has joined the rich tradition of public service and has devoted herself to the cause of bullying.

“Many people have looked at my very strangely and quizzically since I announced that I’d be starting my campaign to end bullying,” Melania told reporters this morning at a press conference, “but let me tell you something — there is no one on this planet that has more daily interactions with a bully than I do. I’m what you’d call subject matter expert, yes?”

Mrs. Trump called the press conference this morning after she read tweets sent by the President of the United States of America attacking Senator Bob Corker (R-TN), who had criticized the president’s demeanor, decorum, and seemingly lack of civility, and Corker said he hoped that the president would stay out of the tax reform efforts among congressional Republicans. The president took umbrage to Corker’s criticisms, and blasted him on Twitter.

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Mrs. Trump said that the tweets were the “piss that broke the Russian whore’s bed” and that her campaign was officially petitioning Twitter to have the president thrown off the platform.

“This man uses his Twitter platform not just to communicate with the people, as he says he does,” Melania said, “but mainly he uses it to lash out like an angry six year old who doesn’t want to do his homework at people he feels slighted by.”

The Third First Lady said that while she doesn’t want to hamper anyone’s freedom of speech, and she respects the president’s right to speak as freely as his critics, that he “frequently goes from debate to bullying.” Melania said that “no one deserves to be abused in the public square by the president like he does” and “the president should be setting a better example for the young people.” Mrs. Trump said she feels bad for all of the president’s victims, and that there are many of them.

“But it’s not just Senator Corker. It’s black athletes. It’s black sports commentators. It’s Hillary Clinton. It’s The York Times,” Melania told reporters. It’s John McCain. It’s disabled reporters. It’s the entire Mexican population. Frankly, I don’t get how this son of a bitch has a Twitter account and the people who call him a bullying prick get kicked off Twitter because of their stupid reporting algorithm.”

It’s a simple equation, Melania said.

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“Bully me once, shame on you,” Third First Lady Melania said, “bully me 600 times on Twitter before sunrise, shame on us all.”

It’s important, Mrs. Trump explained, that bullies understand the rules apply to them too.

“Some people are just given to delusions of grandeur as it is,” Melania said, “so you can imagine if you take someone who is already very full of themselves and then also make them, oh I don’t know, the most powerful person in the world, their already bad traits will just magnify.”

The White House issued a short statement following Mrs. Trump’s press conference.

“What a load of covfefe covered alternative facts,” the statement reads, “and we will be having a talk with Trophy Wife Three this evening about who she should really be going after (Crooked H and the Crooked Media who crooked cover me because they’re crooked crooks who crookity croo cro cree) instead of me. She’s officially on notice, because it’s not like I can’t have Ivanka handle all of Melania’s duties. ALL. OF. THEM.”

Twitter could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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