Doctors Disclose Melania Trump Suffers From Chronic Short-Term Amnesia

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When Melania Trump finished delivering her speech on the need for American society to curb online bullying and meanness on social media, many Americans were left scratching their heads. After all, Mrs. Trump is married to a man who has famously insulted and picked on over 280 different people and places via his Twitter account. Melania’s speech seemed, to some, like an ironic “trolling” of sorts, and left many wondering if Mrs. Trump truly understands who her husband is.

This morning, her doctors disclosed that while she may know who her husband is, she has a chronic condition that prevents her from remembering it for longer than a few minutes at a time.

“Mrs. Trump was diagnosed earlier this year with chronic short-term amnesia,” Dr. Greg Hollister told reporters.

Dr. Hollister has been on Donald Trump’s personal medical team for years, and he said he has firsthand knowledge of “all the medical shit” within the Trump family. There have also been noticeable effects of the condition that Mrs. Trump has displayed in public, Dr. Hollister said. He gave an example or two to curious reporters.

“Everyone wanted to blame the fact that Melania delivered a Michele Obama speech at the Republican convention on plagiarism,” Dr. Hollister said, “but in fact, what happened there is Mrs. Trump had just watched Mrs. Obama’s speech to study how to deliver a political speech. But with her condition, Melania forgot that she didn’t write it, and she gave Mrs. Obama’s speech.”

Reporters asked how the amnesia impacted her ability to remember the speech was Michele Obama’s, but not to forget the speech itself. Dr. Hollister shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I’m a Trump doctor. We do things way differently than other doctors. I have to inject Mr. Trump with crushed up Lucky Charms marshmallows every morning because he says that’s the only thing that gets him hard. Which doesn’t really make sense since it’s morning time, but that’s Trump life for you, know what I mean?”

After the press conference, Dr. Hollister was pelted with questions on Twitter as to the veracity of the claims of amnesia. Donald Trump reportedly got wind of the Twitter questions, and hopped into the conversation. His tweets were probably not in line with what Mrs. Trump said American online culture should move to reflect.

“All you bitches carping about whether my piece of ass wife really has amnesia,” Trump tweeted, “need to get grabbed by the pussy and STFU.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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