Second Lady Nudges Him Again, But President Trump Remains an ‘Orange, Tiny-Handed, Oligarchic Shit Bag Troll’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A daring and bold plan to reshape President Trump’s administration has failed this morning, according to several reports from within the White House.

According to several highly placed sources, some of Co-President Trump’s most trusted and closest confidantes attempted to give him what one aide called an “attitude adjustment.” They got the idea, reportedly, after watching Second Lady Melania Trump nudge her husband and remind him to place his hand over his heart while the national anthem played during the White House Easter Egg Roll. Some within the White House felt that perhaps they’d misjudged Co-President Trump’s relationship with his third wife, and that she could possibly hold sway over his behavior.

“We all know he’s been acting like a racist, orange, asshole bull in a china shop since being sworn in,” one person who’d only be identified as “Shmeince Shmebus” told us, “and we thought, hey, maybe if Melania just stands next to him and nudges the president when he’s tweeting stupid shit, it might get him to stop.”

So, according to several accounts, a plan was hatched on Monday to place Mrs. Trump next to her husband’s side at all times. Though she has spent most of the time Trump’s been in office back in their luxury, multi-million dollar apartment, reportedly agreed to be near him more often “for the good of the land.” All day Monday, Melania was standing over Trump as he tweeted.

As the co-president sent a juvenile, “trolling” tweet about a book meant to mock Democrats (that was an idea lifted from a similar book about Trump, ironically enough), Melania saw the tweet and tried to stop Trump from sending it. She gave him a gentle nudge with her right elbow. However, the following tweet was sent regardless.

When Trump started tweeting about “fake media,” Melania gave him a little nudge. But Trump ended up sending the tweet below anyway.

Finally, just a few minutes after he sent the first two tweets at a dizzying pace, Melania saw that he was about to weigh in on a local election in Georgia. Mrs. Trump knew that this was something that traditionally presidents had stayed out of. She nudged her husband once more. Despite this, the tweet was sent anyway.

In the Oval Office, as everyone saw the last tweet go out, the room fell quiet. Shmebus said he looked around and could see everyone was mildly disappointed, but mostly not surprised. He described it as a “Hail Mary” that he wasn’t too sure would work.

“Well, it was worth a try, anyway,” Shmebus said he told Melania, patting her on the back, “what can you do? It would be like moving a mountain to get him to stop being such an orange, tiny-handed, oligarchic shit bag troll. But, you know, Hillary’s emails, you know what I mean? Guys? Hillary’s emails? Totally justifies putting this tantrum throwing, unqualified shit demon in office, right? Right? Guys?”

No one wanted to answer Shmebus.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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