Government Mandated FLOTUS Test Shows Melania’s Hands Are Her Smartest Body Parts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to medical tests conducted at the behest of the federal government, Second Lady Melania Trump’s hands are the smartest parts of her body.

In 1853, Congress passed the Is Our Lady Smart And Whatnot Act, which requires every woman married to the president to submit to a battery medical tests as well as tests of their academic acumen. When the law was passed, it was to see if Jane Pierce, incoming President Franklin Pierce’s wife, was too smart for acceptable social norms at the time. It was rumored that Mrs. Pierce could read at a level commensurate with her husband, and in a true scandal of her times, that she even held an opinion or two that was not the same as her husband’s.

Since then, each woman has taken the little publicized tests. Since the results have largely been unsurprising, they have heretofore not garnered much attention from the press. However, after a pair of video clips have emerged showing the Second Lady batting away President Donald Trump’s hand when he attempts to hold hers, inspired the doctors who administered her tests to release the findings. As it turns out, her left and right hand were shown to carry the lion share of intelligence contained withing Mrs. Trump’s entire body.

Doctors at the Federal Medical Institute say that when they saw the first clip of Melania smacking away her husband’s hand as the couple strode down a red carpet in Israel, they knew they needed to check her test results. Dr. Mike McGee, Chief Resident of the President’s Health Staff, told reporters that the first hand smack was “interesting, but not enough to dig the test results out.”

“Honestly,” McGee said, “we just kind of assumed Mrs. Trump was a trophy wife. There to look good and by proxy make Trump look good. Which of course isn’t that easy. We’ve seen some tests that show putting Trump next to a sack of literal diarrhea somehow makes the shit sack look better.”

But, McGee said, when they saw Mrs. Trump bat away her husband’s hand as they prepared to descend the staircase attached to Air Force One, they knew something was up, and that perhaps they’d missed something on her official test results.

“Maybe Melania’s got way more on the ball than the rest of us thought,” Dr. McGee said, “because I mean, sure her whole body is still married to Donald. Yes, she somehow, apparently, thought he was a good mate for her at some point because she made a baby with him. But somehow, some way a ton of intelligence wound up in those hands, and that’s why they’re fighting like hell to stay away from the president.”

The White House could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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