Megyn Kelly Announces She’ll Follow Alex Jones Interview by Asking Questions of Literal Piece of Shit

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When Megyn Kelly left Fox News last year, it made national headlines. Ms. Kelly is back in the headlines this week, but this time she’s in some hot water with critics who say her upcoming interview with Alex Jones is inappropriate at best, and a cynically craven ratings grab at the worst. One mother of a child killed at Sandy Hook Elementary — something Jones has called a false flag attack on his InfoWars site — took Kelly to task for giving Jones a big platform and time in the spotlight.

This morning, Ms. Kelly announced her follow-up to the interview with Mr. Jones.

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“I’m very pleased to announce my next interview will be with this,” Kelly said on the “Today Show” this morning, pointing to a paper bag on a table next to her, “bag of literal human feces. You know, to keep my whole theme going here.”

Ms. Kelly said she searched for a long time to find “just the perfect piece of shit” to talk to after her interview with Jones aired. She said that she’s already preparing some questions for the shit she interviews, and that they are related to Mr. Jones. Kelly says there’s a “lot to unpack.”

“I want to know if the actual, literal shit is embarrassed to be so closely associated with Mr. Jones,” Kelly said, “who is most often referred to as a piece of shit. That has to make the fecal community quite unnerved, so I’d like to get to the nutty, corn niblet filled bottom of that one, for sure.”

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Kelly says her years working at Fox News also prepared her for both her interview with Jones, and the bag of literal shit.

“You can’t spend over a decade working that closely to Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly and not come away with a boatload of knowledge about shit. What shit likes, how shit talks, which day of the week shit’s wife is going to come up with her next excuse for not fucking them, thereby making the shit extra horny and triply pervy as fuck. You know, all the things about shit you never wanted to know and didn’t really want to ask but were forced on you like a handsy, drunken asshole? Yeah. That stuff.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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