When cybernetic life form Mitt “Mittens” Romney-Tron, 5000 intimated that he may in fact make one more run at the White House in 2016 after two previously failed attempts in 2008 and 2012 respectively, rank-and-file Republican and Democratic voters scratched their heads in consternation. But that’s just because they don’t understand the real reason that Republicans love the Citizens United decision that has opened up the glorious floodgates of the almighty dollar, allowing unlimited streams of money to flow from “dark” sources — untraceable donors — and that has given rise the Lifelong Presidential Candidate. These are people who, like Romney, are never going to actually win an election, and in many cases unlike Romney they probably can’t make it out of the primaries, but that doesn’t mean that every four years they can’t fire up the money vacuum and start taking billionaires’ money by the bucket load.
Of course, for a group of people who ostensibly hate the mere existence of a Federal government, it’s sort of “interesting” that they’d love this new, alternative career path for aging ideologues. However, The Political Garbage wanted to get some more detailed answers from the following Republican candidates, so we sent them a questionnaire with one simple interrogative phrase written at the top of it:
If you hate government so much, why do you want to be the single-most powerful person within it?
Well, I don’t actually hate the federal government. I just don’t like people who are all like, “Oh, respect my right to love whomever I want” to run it. Or people who say things like, “You can’t force your personal religious beliefs on me in a society based on the idea of separation of church and state.” Clearly, I want to be the head of the federal government so I can re-establish the core American principles of “liberty and justice for all as long as you are white, straight, Christian and vote for me.”
The government is undoubtedly terrible. It makes bad decisions for everyone. It doesn’t give anyone personal choice. That’s why I am running to restore this country to the proposition that we are all free to make whatever decisions we want to make…as long as we aren’t gay and trying to get married or a woman and trying to do whatever she wants to do with her own reproductive processes, of course. Also — I just always really wanted to have my own plane and body guards. Mmm. Those body guards. So strong and virile and supple and smooth and — wait. What?
There are three reasons I want to run to be president, even though I claim that government is the most evil thing in the world. The first thing — is that I really love rooms that aren’t square. The second, is that our voter base very conveniently ignores the hypocrisy of railing against government while running multiple times, holding other elected offices, and taking taxpayer money all the while. And the third reason is — um — oops.
You know, 2016 will be the second election in a row where I keep hinting at running and never do. The crazy part is that you’d think that Congress would pass some kind of law saying that if you’re going to take money from people under the auspices of running for president, that you should actually have to run. But then that would mean me getting my ass kicked so badly I couldn’t take another donation again, so that’s why it’s best to just play around at the fringes of a campaign, don’t you agree? I always find only doing about half the job is the best way to keep your face in front of cameras, without actually having to do any of the hard work.
This is actually my first rodeo. I’m liking it so far though. It’s everything my dad said it’d be and more! I can’t wait to follow in his footsteps and be the candidate of choice for everyone who still can’t grasp that the reason “classically liberal” ideas died in the 1800s is that they failed when implemented and we found better solutions to our problems back then. It’s so fun being the representative of past failure too stalwartly obtuse to admit that we’ve progressed quite a bit in the last 238 years.