California Medical Marijuana Grower Releases New Strain Named After Jeff Sessions

SOMBRERITOS VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Northern California medical marijuana grower Sam Canabowitz has been cultivating the plant to sell on California’s pot marketplace for six years. His strains are favored by enough distributors that he’s been able to start producing his own, unique, signature strains of the plant. This month, Canabowitz announced the arrival of his latest strain, and he’s named it after Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

“Sessions’ Kind Konfederate Kush will be available at your local dispensaries within the month,” Canabowitz told an interviewer for High Times Business, the marijuana trade edition of the popular marijuana magazine, “and we are quite excited about what the weed community will think of it.”

SKKK was bred to have certain strong psychoactive properties, to induce euphoria, and also to help those who ingest it have certain very specific side effects, which Canabowitz explained to investors and the marijuana media.

“In our clinical tests, SKKK has been shown to give patients extreme memory loss,” Canabowitz said, “but only if the memory pertains to Russia, Russians, or the Russian government. So that’s probably pretty handy for a few people at least, we’d think.”

Canabowitz then gave High Times Business a bullet point list of the other benefits and side effects of his new strain.

  • Patients reported a 99% higher chance of thinking they were living in the 19th century.
  • Patients reported a 62% more likely chance they’d call a Confederate flag “heritage, not hate.”
  • Patients reported a 78% more likely chance they’d use the N-word in a non-ironic way.
  • Patients reported a 34% drop in feelings of kindness, generosity, and grace, while also proclaiming a love for Christ’s teachings.
  • Patients reported feeling 92% more racist than before smoking SKKK.
  • Patients reported a 45% higher chance their faces would scrunch up and look like a cat’s butt hole and would start spewing dog whistle racism.

Canabowitz says that Sessions’ Kind Konfederate Kush will be the first of many politically-themed strains.

“I want to do a Trump strain,” Canabowitz said, “and that’ll be marketed as the best, most effective marijuana ever, but will actually just be dirty oregano covered in Russian whore piss.”

Attorney General Sessions and the Department of Justice were not able to be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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