This story was first published by our sister publication, Alternative Facts.

When she leaves her post as White House Press Secretary next month, Kayleigh McEnany will not have to wait long for her next paycheck. Last night, McEnany told Fox News host Sean Hannity that she had “defeated the forces of libtardism” and secured herself a job in the private sector, at one of the biggest companies in its industry.

“Sean, the loony left wanted me to be held accountable for taking a six figure salary from the taxpayers and just lying to them nonstop,” McEnany said, “and I’m pleased to announce that I have defeated the forces of libtardia, and will start work at Shitco on February 1st, 2021.”

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Shitco is the largest fertilizer production company in the country, and often fights for the top spot in the world’s bandini market. McEnany said she was approached by a recruiter of Shitco last month, after it became apparent she’d be needing a new job soon. McEnany praised Shitco for “seeing all the potential” in her, finding a role for her within the company that fits her “best characteristics.”

“Since I began my work here at the White House, no American can possibly claim to have had more experiencing working with and around bullshit,” McEnany told Hannity. “Shitco knows that about me, and they told me that bullshit experience is exactly what they want in a spokesmoron, and I fully intend to be the best spokesmoron Shitco has ever had.”

McEnany will begin working with Shitco in February, but she says that she’ll “put the same level of prep work and dedication” into making sure she’s ready to work at Shitco as she did in her role as Press Secretary.

“Hopefully they’re fans of giant notebooks and small thoughts, because that’s what I’m all about,” McEnany said. “Sean, I think Shitco and I are going to get along just fine. People already think of my name when they think of bullshit, so this is truly a match made in Heaven!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.