WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the last decade or so, Mitch McConnell ran the Senate. He did so with such a lust and zeal for partisan victories that he gained monikers like “Cocaine Mitch” and “That Evil, Deflated Hot Water Bottle Faced Fuck McConnell.” McConnell famously made-up precedent to keep Barack Obama from fulfilling his constitutional right to fill a Supreme Court vacancy, and then four years later rushed Amy Covid Barret onto the bench.

To say that McConnell was happy to wield his power would be quite an understatement. There are few politicians in America’s history that have been more gleeful about using every lever of power at their disposal in whichever way they see fit. However, on November 3rd, 2020, national elections were held and as a result, McConnell was made the Minority leader, pushing him out of the seat of control and handing the keys to the Democrats in the process.

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Sen. McConnell, now in the minority for the first time in about a decade, has had a sudden change of heart, and now is desperately pleading with new Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer not to end the filibuster. Though it’s not mentioned in the Constitution, and didn’t become a standard tool in the Senate until more than a hundred years after the Revolutionary War, McConnell used the filibuster during the first two years of President Obama’s tenure to bludgeon his agenda, the last time Republicans were in the minority.

In a letter to Schumer this morning, McConnell urged the Democrats not to be like him.

“I implore you, Leader Schumer, for the good of the land,” McConnell writes, “don’t do this. Don’t wield your power unapologetically like I do. Don’t be cynical. Don’t be shrewd, and by all means, please do not put your own party’s agenda above all else. Why, Chuck, would you do all these things when I already do them so much better? Be original, Chuck!”

In response, Schumer wrote his own letter back to McConnell.

“LOL. We’ll take that under advisement, Mitch,” Schumer wrote. “In the meantime, you can file your complaints with soon-to-be Attorney General Merrick Garland’s balls. Thanks.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.