McConnell Says He’d Oppose January 6th Commission Even If He Weren’t Covered in Trump’s Ball Juice

“When have you ever known Mitch McConnell to be a petty, partisan hack?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Even if he were not completely and utterly drenched, covered head to tail in former President Donald Trump’s semen, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) would oppose the congressional commission to study the January 6th, 2021 insurrection at the nation’s capitol. This, according to Sen. McConnell himself, shortly after giving a speech on the Senate floor in which he stated his intentions to oppose the formation of the commission that would investigate the domestic terror attack McConnell himself blasted former President Trump for starting.

McConnell’s speech on January 6th, condemning Trump for his role in the events of that fateful day, seems to have faded from his mind, and instead McConnell has once more ridden to the former president’s defense. However, McConnell reiterated to reporters several times this morning that while he was totally doused with Trump’s crotch liquids, it had nothing to do with his opinions on the commission. A defiant McConnell blasted Democrats for trying to “force” him into “choosing between [his] king and [his] country.”

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“Now, I understand the Democrat Party relies on the press to carry their water for them, and I understand that I am absolutely spackled in former King God Emperor Donald Trump’s spooge,” McConnell admitted, “but I’d have to be a pretty cynical guy to let the fact that I’m cloaked in cum impact my stance on this very important issue.”

McConnell grinned.

“And when have you ever known Mitch McConnell to be a petty, partisan hack, only interested in holding and maintaining power,” McConnell asked rhetorically. “It’s frankly the biggest insult I can imagine, for someone to imply that simply because I willingly let Donald Trump slather me in his baby batter that I’d somehow have an innate bias toward him, and would do everything in my power to shield him from the consequences of his actions.”

McConnell vowed to “sue and shame” anyone who implies he is showing Trump favoritism because of the Trump jism.

“Let me be very clear here, folks. I will sue and shame literally every single person who has the temerity to accuse me of playing partisan politics on this January 6th commission,” McConnell promised. “My choice to wear Trump’s cum proudly as a fun new fashion accessory had absolutely no impact on my decision here.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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