McConnell Blames OJ For His Ex-Wife’s Multiple Stab Wounds, Says He’s Would Have Voted Not Guilty

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) weighed in on yet another important legal case in American history this morning, telling reporters that while he lays the blame for OJ Simpson’s ex-wife’s stab wounds on OJ himself, he would not have voted to convict the former NFL star had be been on the jury.

“I just happen to think there is an extremely limited amount of time where anyone can be held to account for the crimes they commit,” McConnell said. “Besides, if rumors are true, Mr. Simpson is a registered Republican, and we can’t have Republicans facing consequences for their actions can we?”

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In what was called the “crime of the century” at the time, Mr. Simpson was accused of murdering his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and one of her acquaintances, Ron Goldman. Mr. Goldman had known Ms. Brown from the restaurant he worked at, as she she was a regular patron. It’s long been speculated that OJ killed Ron and Nicole in a fit of rage, but in one of the most infamously decided verdicts of all time, Simpson was acquitted of all charges and remains a free man to this day.

“His DNA and their DNA was all over the crime scene, his car, and his estate. He summoned the knife to his hand, and he clearly stabbed and attacked both victims,” McConnell admitted on Fox News this morning. “However, were I on the jury back then, I likely would have said he was not guilty, based again on the fact that I am pretty sure he’s a Republican. But also because if cops don’t catch you in the act and immediately try and convict you on the spot, you are entitled to a not guilty verdict.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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