McConnell Blames Arsonist for Torched Building, Says He’s Not Guilty

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was out, taking a stroll around his block when found himself face-to-face with a situation was certainly not expecting to come across. Just as McConnell rounded the corner just a block from house, he came upon an arsonist, in the middle of torching a house in his neighborhood. McConnell did what anyone who found themselves in that situation would do; he checked to see which political party the arsonist was registered to.

“He told me he was a Republican,” McConnell later told the media at a press conference in front of the burned down home, “so of course I was inclined to let him burn everything down the ground, if he wanted to. I trust Republicans know when it’s right, constitutionally speaking, to set a fire and destroy everything around them.”

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McConnell made it very clear to the reporters on hand that he “does not condone” what the arsonist did. He also placed the blame for the blaze squarely on the Republican who set the fire. McConnell went so far as to say that the fire would not have burned the house down, were it not set by the arsonist.

“But that doesn’t mean he’s guilty, does it? I have to say that the Democratic fire chief had a window of opportunity to have the young man arrested,” McConnell said, “and he missed his window. Now is far too late to hold him accountable. The fire’s already been set.”

In a truly unforeseen turn of events, as McConnell was turning around to go back inside, a man in a Make America Great Again ball cap came sauntering up beside him, tapped McConnell on the back, and told him to “watch this.” The man pointed a gun at one of the reporters, and pulled the trigger. The reporter was rushed to a nearby hospital and is in critical, but stable condition.

“Now, before we go jumping to conclusions, here, let me say a couple things,” McConnell said as the shooter ran away. “If the cops wanted to arrest this man they should have stopped him before he pulled the trigger. Once the bullet left his gun, it was too late. Just too late, frankly to hold him accountable. The Constitution says you really only have about thirty seconds to hold a criminal liable, or they get off, free and clear.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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