Sen. John McCain, Lindsey Graham Threaten to Wag Their Fingers ‘Super Duper Hard’ At Trump This Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a joint press conference, Republican Senators Lindsey Graham (SC) and John McCain (AZ) told the press they are “growing alarmed to the point of nearly wanting to do something about it,” as McCain put it. Mr. McCain was referring to the bombshell reporting by The Washington Post that claims former FBI Director James Comey wrote a few well-documented memos about his interactions with temporary President Donald Trump, and that those memos show the president attempted to nudge Comey into ending the FBI’s investigation into former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn.

“Well, I let me say just say,” Senator Graham told reporters, “if all these rumors are true, and Rosenstein knew that Trump was going to fire Comey before he wrote his memo, that means Trump’s lying, and we should do something about it. I think. Maybe. We’ll see. But we’ll certainly talk sternly to him and wag our fingers super duper hard at him, no matter what.”

McCain and Graham have vacillated at times between support, outrage, and concern over how Trump has behaved both on the campaign trail and since taking office in January. Senator McCain has long had a reputation of being a “maverick” in the Senate, willing to take on his own party, but he has also shown a willingness to toe the party line and voted to confirm all of Trump’s cabinet nominees as well as most of his nominees for various federal agency positions.

“I don’t like how he’s behaving,” McCain explained, “and it’s absolutely dangerous for the stability of this nation and the entire world for him to be sharing intelligence with our adversaries. Especially behind closed doors. Especially without our media there while the Russian media was. And I condemn his behavior in the strongest terms possible.”

A reporter asked McCain if his strong condemnation carried with it any actions.

“Woah, woah woah,” McCain cautioned, “let’s slow down there, Whippersnapper! Words and platitudes are almost always enough…for me to keep getting reelected.”

Senator Graham believes that he and McCain can lead a group of Senate Republicans to stymie or stall President Trump’s agenda, and to curb his behavior excesses. But there’s a snag, Graham says.

“Oh, I don’t think it’d be that hard at all to find ten or eleven fellow Republicans in the Senate to block Trump,” Graham said, “but first we have to want to do something more than talk. Then we have to actually do that thing we were going to do. And doing stuff scares us, frankly.”

The White House was not reached for comment, but Graham and McCain were reportedly seen outside the White House gates shaking their heads dramatically and making clucking sounds with their tongues. They told the press they’d decided even wagging their fingers might be a bit “too aggressive” at this stage. Later, both were seen being poured back into the tubs they’re transported in due to their lack of spinal columns.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This