Matt Walsh Applied for a Hospital Job as a Pediatric Urologist

Daily Wire host and right-wing provocateur Matt Walsh told his audience today that he may be taking an extended break from his hosting duties soon.

Walsh announced that he had put in his application to be a pediatric urologist at a hospital in his local town. His new job duties could mean he won’t have time to pontificate for hours on things about living in the 21st century that give him an icky feeling.

“The fact of the matter is that I already think about genitals all day, and I spend most of that time hyper-focused on kids’ genitals,” Walsh explained. “Your kids’ genitals. My kids’ genitals. I would say that in any given minute, I spend at least fifty-five seconds of it contemplating what’s going on in every kid’s pants. It’s just what normal, well-adjusted people do, know what I mean?”

Because he already spends so much time in deep thought about kids’ junk, Walsh figured he’d be “perfectly prepared” to be a pediatric urologist.

“I was very upfront with them on my application. I said I have no medical degree, background, or training in medicine or science. But like I always say when I’m called out for that during testimony I give to lawmakers,” Walsh said, “none of that matters. All I need to be qualified is an opinion, common sense, and a religiously-based obsession with sexual identity.”

Walsh said he listed “memorizing the 5% of Bible verses I’m pretty sure give me the right to harass, stalk, and intimidate trans people” as his special skillset on his application. He also applied to be a gynecologist, but was swiftly rejected, Walsh divulged.

“The HR administrator must be woke, because she told me that she’d spoken to my wife, who confirmed that I’ve never, ever found her clitoris, not even once,” Walsh admitted. “Which I guess is, apparently, according to libtards, something I need to be able to do if I’m going to be a gynecologist. Just more radical feminism and Cultural Marxism run amok, folks.”

Mr. Walsh said he’ll know “in a few weeks” if he’s landed the pediatric urologist position.


Good luck with the new gig, #mattwalsh #satire #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #transrights #politik #politics #political

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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