Matt Gaetz Has a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for Using Venmo to Buy a Fleet of Windowless Vans

LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA — According to sources, investigators have uncovered a new wrinkle in Qongressman Matt Gaetz’ sex-for-money scandal. Reportedly, in 2018, Gaetz and several of his associates pooled money using Venmo and bought a fleet of windowless vans.

This morning, Gaetz was questioned about the van fleet and told reporters it was a “big misunderstanding” and that he could offer a “perfectly reasonable” explanation for the vans.

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“I know I’m the latest guy to be victimized by the Cancel Culture of the rule of law because I dared to be such a brazenly criminal douchecanoe, clearly banking on a pardon from my tangerine-tinted hero,” Gaetz began, “but I can put everyone’s minds at ease about the windowless van fleet I went in on. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, and if you’ll just bear with me a moment, I’ll give it to you.”

That’s when Gaetz held up a finger, and with his other hand fished into his jacket’s left breast pocket. Out of it, he pulled a flask, which he told everyone was filled with “Daddy’s go-go juice.” Gaetz unscrewed the flask top, tilted his rather large head back, nearly falling over from the shift in his center of balance, and drained the flask down his gullet like a pelican eating a fish.

“Yes, we bought a fleet of vans using the same Venmo accounts we used to pay the young ladies for, you know, whatever we put in the memo line of the Venmo transactions,” Gaetz said, booze on his breath. “We had to buy those vans! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a caravan of teenage girls across state lines without raising suspicion? With a fleet of vans, we could fit more girls in each van, take fewer vehicles, and the long run be better off than using limos and other cars we’d hire.”

A smug, self-satisfied grin came over Gaetz’ face. He pulled a second flask out of his other jacket breast pocket, and drained it down his throat in the same fashion as he did the first flask. Gaetz then turned around and farted at the reporters.

“And you can quote me on THAT,” Gaetz said, laughing extremely hard until he vomited and passed out in a pool of his own sick, mumbling that he’d just owned the libs.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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