Matt Gaetz to Personally Collect Florida’s Student Athlete Menstrual Data

The State of Florida is set to begin collecting menstrual data from its high school athletes. It’s the latest in a series of anti-transgender measures enacted in the state shaped like a floppy dong under Governor Ron DeSantis (Q), who many believe is angling for a presidential run next year. While not much about the process of collecting menstrual data from student athletes is known, one key detail was announced today by DeSantis in a special news conference.

With Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) by his side, DeSantis announced that his friend would be in charge of personally obtaining the data from each and every student athlete.

“When we first decided we needed to do a crotch inspection of every student athlete in our state, we knew it was going to be a daunting task. We also knew we needed someone who is passionate about underage genitalia because burnout is certainly a risk factor in any large, fascist project such as this,” DeSantis said today. “So it really was a big no-brainer when Matt here called me up and said he’d love to be Florida’s first, official Athletic Puss-spector. We know Matt is committed to protecting the integrity of student athletics the only way God-fearing patriots do, and we’re really glad to have him on board for this.”

Gaetz thanked his “good buddy” DeSantis for the job, and pledged that he would “leave no underage loins un-surveyed.”

“I will take this job seriously. I will make sure that every single byte of data that we collect on your crisp, young daughters’ Lady Times will be accurate, and I’ll make sure of it,” Gaetz said, a hand solemnly over his heart. “This is a subject very near and dear to me, and if I have to personally Venmo every girl a couple hundred bucks to make her feel better about it, then that’s what I’ll do, damn it.”

DeSantis wiped a tear from his eye as he and his friend walked off the stage without taking any questions.

@jamboschlarmbo No need to fear! Creepy #MattGaetz is here to collect your #menstruation data! #DeSantis #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #satire #politics #RonDeSantis ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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