Matt Drudge Thinks Hillary Clinton Wears a Wig, Has Peg Leg, Is a Pirate

MIAMI, FLORIDA — Online news aggregation pioneer Matt Drudge started trending on various social and traditional media outlets when he began insinuating this week that 2016 Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton wears a wig, but the wig alone does not cover the full breadth of what Drudge is calling “a scandal worse than if Benghazi had gotten an abortion at Planned Parenthood and sold the baby parts for a Ferrari.”

“Not only does she wear a wig,” Drudge told reporters outside his Miami compound, “she has a wooden, or ‘peg’ leg. This leads us to conclude one thing, and one thing only about Hillary Rodham Clinton.” After a brief pause, Drudge said, “She’s a pirate. A full-blown, swashbuckling pirate of the high seas, and over the next few months we at the Drudge Report will publish any and all news that proves this conspiracy is very real, and goes all the way to the top.”

Drudge started the Hillary as pirate narrative this week when he tweeted several photos with captions that implied her hair was fake in each one. “Can we talk about Hillary’s wig,” asked one tweet. “Human or synthetic,” asked another, while a third just said “The New Whig Party.” Despite the fact that Hillary’s hairdresser immediately dispelled the rumor he started, Drudge insists that only proves the conspiracy is real.

“Of course her hair dresser is going to claim that her hair is real,” Drudge told reporters, “but what qualifies them to know that, exactly? Just that they literally work with her scalp and hair every day? Bullshit. She’s a bald, peg-legged pirate and I’m going to expose her to the whole world for that.” Drudge said he already has “several Pirates of the Caribbean ready to testify” but that he has to “work out the logistics of bringing the audioanimatronic statues to Washington to testify.”

Drudge said that those who doubt his intentions should look to another media mogul of a bygone era — William Randolph Hearst — for clues as to what he is after with Clinton. “Hearst tried to start wars,” Drudge said, adding, “I’m trying to start snarky bullshit rumors about people I disagree with politically…same, same really.” Drudge also told reporters that he has it “on good authority” that Ms. Clinton drinks “at least a bottle of rum with a yo-ho-ho every single day” and questions whether “America is ready for its first openly pirate president.”

“Ms. Clinton is a pirate, that much is true,” Drudge said as the press conference was winding down, “and that is probably what the whole Benghazi mess was about — covering up her pirating that would lead everyone to finally discover who really killed Vince Foster while Monica Lewinsky was blowing Bill as Hillary watched and videotaped it, or something like that. But as a nation, we have to ask ourselves whether we think someone who’d rather raise the Jolly Roger than the Stars and Stripes should be our commander in chief, or if that’s a bridge too far.”

Mr. Drudge has been running his news aggregation site since 1994. More on this as it develops.



James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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