Condolences Overwhelmed Rep. Thomas Massie’s Office After He Publicized His Micro-Penis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Thomas Massie (Q-KY) is being cheered by his colleagues on both sides of the aisle, a rare feat these days. Both Republicans and Democrats are giving Massie a thumbs-up for the courage it took for him to announce, in such a public way, that he has a micro-penis.

“I have to say, it’s quite refreshing to see a Republican reject the notions of masculinity being tied to the size of your genitals, even if they insist on tying masculinity to holding a firearm,” Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told reporters when she was asked about the subject this morning.

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Reportedly, when Massie tweeted a photo of his family’s Christmas card, which features the Massie family all holding semiautomatic rifles, it started a flood of calls to his congressional office. Aides say the congressdouche has had to turn his phones off for the day, because they won’t stop ringing. Calls are coming from all over the country, Massie’s staff divulged.

“In this town, it’s really quite an event that can bring liberals and conservatives, Democrats and confederates, all together. Representative Massie, in boldly declaring himself to be a tiny-dicked, scared little man, has given us all a reason to come together, and I for one am grateful for it,” Rep. Edward Van Halen of California told reporters as he entered the congressional lunchroom today.

Massie’s very pro-gun Christmas card was released just days after the latest American school shooting. The suspect in that case, a 15 year old boy, was given his alleged murder weapon by his father for an early Christmas present. Both the shooters’ parents are also now facing charges.

Massie has refused to issue any apologies for his card, despite allegations of its tone deaf nature.

“I personally would like to commend Mr. Massie. I was in denial about my own micro-penis until Donald Trump had the wisdom to take it from me, call my wife ugly, and publicly own my balls that I could come out of the small-dicked closet. Kudos, Thomas,” Sen. Ted Cruz tweeted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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