After Recent Mass Shootings, George Santos Apologizes for Inventing the Gun

Just this week, three separate mass shootings rocked California, a state with relatively stronger gun laws. Whether or not  more permissive laws in neighboring states like Nevada or Arizona play a role in the number of guns that can come into California, the three mass shootings represented the 37th, 38th, and 39th such mass shootings nationally thus far this year, with not even thirty days having yet elapsed in 2023.

In perhaps a surprising development, freshman Rep. George Santos (Q-Brazil) told Fox News this morning that the shootings have left him “devastated and remorseful,” and he apologized for his “part” in the shootings.

“Had I known all those years ago that my invention would cause so much bloodshed, I don’t know that I would have shown it to anyone. It’s hard not to feel responsible for the mass shootings considering I invented guns,” Santos said. “Know what I mean? It’s like, I’m sure the people who worked on the Manhattan Project felt really terrible about all lives lost when we dropped the bomb on Japan. That’s pretty much how I feel about guns and mass shootings.”

While he was apologizing for things, Santos took the opportunity to get a few more things off his chest.

“Also, I’m really sorry I lost the cure for cancer. You might have seen the Sean Connery vehicle Medicine Man? Well, that was based on my life,” Santos explained, “and so was Star Wars. I was the one who built the Death Star and invented lightsabers. I’m really sorry for that, because so many people died on Alderaan as a result, and that makes me really sad to think about.”

@jamboschlarmbo Thanks, #georgesantos #satire #guncontrol #secondamendment #politics #political #politik ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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