SAN GUILLERMO, CALIFORNIA — Neither one of them are to blame, when you get them alone and ask them individually, for the lack of sexual intercourse in their marriage of late. The Anselmos just don’t blame one or the other for not getting the chance to fuck in the last couple, maybe even a few, weeks. Things just haven’t lined up quite right, Sharon told us. He’s been really busy, and so has wife, Keith told us.
But they’re both quite optimistic that some day they’ll get to fuck again.
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“We’ve both just been so busy lately,” Sharon says. “Between jobs and the kids, my period once a month, and Keith’s frequent bouts with IBS and the diarrhea that comes with it, we just have not been able to get synched up sexually like we used to, back when we first started dating each other.”
The sex drought started in a benign, almost unnoteworthy way, Sharon explained.
“We last fucked…I’d say…probably…seven or eight Wednesdays ago,” Sharon recounted to us. “I remember it was a Wednesday because we were watching Real Housewives of Montana and we shared a bottle of zin. Once the kids were in bed for the night, we had that moment of realization like, ‘Woah, we could fuck tonight. We could actually fuck tonight.’ And we did. We fucked. It was good, too.”
The sex was so good that night, Sharon and Keith basked in the afterglow and made plans to do it all again the next night. But, that didn’t end up working out because their youngest child started to feel sick the next night. That took Sharon and Keith’s attention and divided it, because while Keith was attending to the sick kid, Sharon needed to make sure the oldest child was still getting her homework done, and making dinner. Before they knew it, Keith and Sharon were looking at a calendar one day and realized it had been well over a month since they last got naked with each other.
“It’s just been one of those runs,” Keith told us. “Every time we’d think we had a night set aside to fuck, we didn’t. Sometimes it’d be because I was too tired out from the day. It could have been because Sharon had wicked bad diarrhea one night after tried a new sub place up the road and they put extra cheese on her sub instead of no cheese. For whatever reason, we just kept finding ourselves not in the position to fuck. What can you do?”
Overall, Keith says he’s not too worried. He knows that “fuck cycles can vary,” depending on life’s demands. Soon, he’s sure, he and his wife will fuck again…probably.
“These things just happen from time to time during the course of any relationship,” Keith explained. “I have lube. I have Internet Porn, I’ll be fine. And I’m sure Sharon will be, as well. We like fucking each other, so it’s not a question of that. We just need everything, ever single little solitary thing, to line up exactly perfectly, and then we’ll get to fucking, I’m positive.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.