Marco Rubio to Publish New Book, “How to Live Like a Baller”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) announced over the weekend that he has partnered with  Clear Morning Publishing House and written a new book that will be published early in the first quarter of 2016. The book, a press release from Rubio’s presidential campaign says, “will focus on showing every day Americans how to live life to the fullest” and “how to maximize bang for buck in every way possible.” The new book will feature a forward written by Norman Braman, the billionaire auto dealer that is largely bankrolling the Florida Republicans campaign, and is entitled, “How to Live Like a Baller.”

According to a release from the publisher, the book is broken into “ten concrete ways any American can live a fuller, richer, more luxurious lifestyle.” Below are three selected passages from the book, provided to us by  Clear Morning Publishing.

Get Yourself Someone Else’s Credit Card

Buying stuff on credit is the only way to get the things you need these days. Thanks to the fact that Republicans like me have fought to give companies the ability to suppress wages for decades, your dollars don’t stretch nearly as far as your father’s did, so you need to buy stuff with plastic. Of course, at some point you’re going to run out of available credit and the interest rates we let these massive banks that have more money than God charge you will cripple you financially. So the real ballers know a trick to get the stuff you need without having to pay for it yourself — use someone else’s credit card.

I’m not talking about stealing one. That’s wrong. But just cozy up to a large political apparatus and have them issue a credit card to you ostensibly for non-personal items. Then, when no one’s looking charge vacations and other a crap ton of other personal stuff on that card. BOOM. Instant lifestyle upgrade. Way to go, BALLER!

Meet and Befriend a Billionaire; Have Them Front Your Lifestyle

One of the quickest ways to get the lifestyle you want is to have someone else get it for you. But it’s not all that easy to convince someone to just cut check after check to you. If you get creative though, you can find ways to entice them to hand you money that you can use to pay for stuff, as long as that stuff can in any way be remotely defined as serving some purpose other than purely personal gain. Like say, if you promise to help that billionaire get something out of his government he normally wouldn’t be able to get because he didn’t have personal, direct access to someone with enormous power and influence, that’s a great way to get money from super-rich people.

The best part is they don’t even have to hand you the cash directly. They can put it in a large, anonymous fund where no one else has any idea the level of corruption — er excuse me, donations — that you are getting. This is a great way to demagogue the poor for taking “hand-outs” while taking a much more lucrative and dangerous “hand out” known as a “bribe” yourself. Brilliant, isn’t it?

Be Rich and Have a Republican Politician (Like Me!) In Your Back Pocket

If you really, really want to be a baller, you not only need more money than God, you need to have someone you can call up that’ll help you latch on even tighter to every penny in your accounts. You need someone who can help reduce your tax burden to zero. You need someone who will help convince poor, scared, white people that dirty immigrants and brainwashed libtards are taking their ability to be rich away from them by asking already super-rich people to pay a few more pennies on their dollar; pennies they can most certainly afford. With a Republican politician in your back pocket, you can get all kinds of tax loopholes written into law that let you stash money and get out of repaying the very system you and your family took advantage of to get so very rich in the first place.

Remember, just because you used a ladder that was put there in front of you by someone else to climb up to the next level, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t knock the ladder down so no one else can climb up behind you.