CONASTOGA, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), has seen his standing in the Republican primary polls rise lately, and according to sources close to the Cuban American, he plans to continue his full-frontal assault on abortion, as he believes showing his conservative bonafides is what sparked his surge in the polls. Though he’s still losing quite handily to Donald Trump by a wide margin, Rubio recently raised eyebrows by doubling-down on an assertion he made in the first Republican primary debate held on Fox News a couple of weeks ago. It was during the debate that Rubio, wanting to posit himself as the most conservative candidate when it comes to a woman’s right to an abortion, told the audience and the moderators that he didn’t support exceptions for rape or incest, despite in the past having been quoted as being supportive of those cases allowing for an abortion.
Then Rubio went on conservative radio host Glenn Beck’s show and told him that he’d work to ban all abortion in America if he were to be elected. Rubio told Beck he “believe[s] a human being is entitled to life, irrespective of the circumstances in which that human being was conceived and so forth,” and that is why he believes in “a hundred years or so, or less, future generations are going to look back at this time in history and say that it’s really unbelievable that so many unborn human beings, their lives were ended simply because they didn’t have a birth certificate, couldn’t hire a lawyer, didn’t vote, or we couldn’t see them yet.”
Critics are quick to point out that what Rubio appears to be doing is shifting focus away from victims of rape and incest to a developing life form, and that the developing life form has no moral right to existence since its existence is the product of the most horrifying and personal assault on one’s freedom to live without fear imaginable. Other critics point out that under Rubio’s way of thinking, that a 10-year-old girl who is raped by her uncle or father would be forced under threat of arrest and prosecution to carry her attacker’s child to full term and deliver that child. Even more critics point to the fact that these very issues are why rape and incest exceptions have been part of abortion regulations for many, many years, because as rare as they might be, most people in society are appalled and outraged by the thought of a young victim of incest or rape being forced by the government to bear her rapist’s children.
But Rubio seems so unfazed by those critiques of his views that he is doubling-down on his double-down.
“I will appoint a Vaginal Czar,” the Florida Republican told an assembled crowd at a Chik-Fil-A in Conastoga, New Hampshire, “and that man will know what’s best for the vaginae in America. He will know what’s best for a woman, because he will know that all life is sacred, no matter how microscopic. All life is sacred, no matter how parasitic. All life is sacred, no matter how many times pregnancies abort themselves in the first trimester, when the overwhelming majority of abortion procedures are performed in this country.”
Senator Rubio said that his vision of small government is in no way contradicted by his proposal to strip women of their biological and reproductive autonomy. “I can say without equivocation that I believe in small government even though I want to literally put the government in between every single female and their doctor,” Rubio said, “it’s just that I believe in making government so small, we can fit it in your vagina.”
Sources close to Rubio say that two of his fellow primary challengers — Dr. Ben Carson and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee — head up the shortlist of candidates. “Both men have shown they are up for the challenge of abandoning their principles in pursuit of theocracy, and that’s going to be huge for the Vagina Czar’s potential success.” One of the first things Rubio will set his Vagina Czar off to accomplish is a National Vaginal Registry, that would work much like a gun registry, except be completely constitutional and fine with conservatives because, as Rubio puts it, “it involves telling a woman what to do with her pussy, and we Republicans really do love that.”
“Liberals will tell you that my beliefs are antiquated,” Rubio told the crowd. “They’ll tell you that it’s completely nonsensical, irrational, and stupid to advocate removing freedoms from every single female in this country because I have a personal religious objection to something,” Rubio said, continuing to add that his opponents would “tell you that I’m just trying to ram my religious beliefs down your throat. They’ll tell you that I have no right to tell a woman, as a man who will never even remotely have to face the real life consequences of being pregnant and giving birth, what she can or can’t do with her reproductive organs, and they’ll tell you that I’m a major hypocrite for bellyaching about Obamacare putting the big, bad, evil government in between you and your doctor and literally advocating the same thing when it comes to abortion.”
Rubio took a breath. “And truthfully, they’re absolutely right. But I just wouldn’t be a conservative Republican in 2015 if I wasn’t willing to completely forsake my high-minded philosophy on the size and role of government for the chance to enforce a barbaric, arcane, Draconian policy of repression on over half the country’s population, would I?”