GLEN HAVEN, NEW HAMPSHIRE — The Marco Rubio 2016 campaign was dealt a pretty hefty blow this week when a New York Times article detailed his many numerous personal financial blunders that included his use of a Republican Credit card to pay for a paving project at his personal home, as well as personal travel expenses for a family reunion. However, Team Rubio believes they have “turned crap into crap-ade” by using the Times piece to officially declare Senator Marco Rubio’s (R-FL) economic plan for the country, should he secure his party’s nomination and go on to win the election next November.
“My economic plan is simple,” Rubio told a group gathered outside a shopping mall in Glen Haven, New Hampshire. “My economic plan is easy to follow. My economic plan can put every American on the path to prosperity,” Rubio was vamping, building anticipation. “My economic plan is called ‘Do As I Say, Not as I Do,’ and it will completely revolutionize how you think of the economy.”
Rubio told the crowd that he “suppose[s] you have all read the vicious attack on me from the liberal hate monger newspaper, The New York Times” and that “while the facts about my personal finances reported are completely and totally accurate” he was “confident that after you hear the details of Do As I Say, Not As I Do, or DAISNAID as we’re calling it on Team Marco” voters would be convinced of his economic prowess.
“Basically, what you do under DAISNAID is read the New York Times article, meticulously memorize the details of how I ignored local governmental fees, stopped paying my second mortgage for five months, and then turned around used a portion of the windfall I got from my book advance to buy a bitchin’ boat, bruh,” said Rubio to the audience he was addressing, “and you do the complete and total opposite. You don’t live your life spending through money and racking up debt like I did. You don’t get all those bills piled-high and then have a rich benefactor that has bankrolled all your campaigns and is bankrolling your current campaign bail you out. You just suffer being poor with no way out of the cycle of poverty that me and my fellow Republicans have convinced a bunch of other fellow poor people is actually a good thing morally, because mooching is bad…unless you’re an elected official, of course.”
After the campaign rally, reporters hit Rubio with a barrage of questions. One member of the press from The Idaho Potato Register and Gazzete asked Rubio why he thinks outright hypocrisy is a good economic policy. “Because it’s different when I make dumb financial decisions and when other people do, that’s why. I’m a Senator. I’m like, important and stuff. Average working Americans aren’t Senators. So the rules are different. It just makes sense, doesn’t it?”
Another reporter asked Rubio if he thought it wouldn’t be wiser to let everyone else have access to the same escape hatches out of their fiscal woes as he did. “Oh, I’m all in favor of every American getting an $800,000 book advance, and that is part of my proposal.” When asked how he’d pay for it he replied, “The way Republicans pay for everything. Slashing taxes on the wealthy and ask the working class to pick up the difference. Oh, and by slashing Medicare, Social Security, and veteran’s benefits too. We can’t later wring our hands about a crises we set in motion with our austerity policies without being austere, can we?”
“Check it out guys,” Rubio said to reporters as he was getting ready to leave the event. “The cool thing for me is that the Republican base has been indoctrinated to hate The New York Times, no matter how much factual reporting is in it. So in the end, this story only really hurts me with people who can see the hypocrisy of a fiscal conservative like me, going around telling everyone we have to be more responsible with our money while he blows through it like Tony Montana at The Tiger and Cocaine Emporium. And let’s face it — as long as I keep using the same talking points, no one in right-wing media is going to fixate on this.
Then again, this could totally hurt me in the general election and I’m giving up my Senate seat for this run. Thank God for my Plan B — corporate lobbyist. RUBIO 2016! OUT!”