Marco Rubio Accidentally Conjures Beetlejuice

RYDER, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Senator Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign is confirming at the time of publication that a “supernatural event” occurred in Rubio’s in the bathroom of his hotel, when he accidentally conjured the spirit of a centuries’ old conman by the name of Beetlejuice, or Beetlegeuse.

“The Senator was in the bathroom, shaving and getting ready for the day, when someone asked him what his favorite Tim Burton movie with Michael Keaton in it is,” Gerald McWilliams, Senior Junior Mid-Level Media Liaison for the Rubio camp told our reporter, “and someone said it must be the first Batman movie they did together.”

However, McWilliams says, Rubio was emphatic that another film that featured Michael Keaton and that was directed by Tim Burton was his favorite of the films the two of have worked on.

“He was more adamant about this than anything I’ve seen him talk about,” McWilliams said, “even when he’s reminding you that we need to dispel this myth that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”

McWilliams says that Rubio came storming out of the bathroom, shaving foam still clinging to half of his face.

Beatlejuice is my favorite Tim Burton and Michael Keaton film,” Rubio is said to have emphatically declared. McWilliams said he and the other campaign staffers in the room agreed that they would update the About Me” section on his website to reflect this new, highly important detail about his stance on the issues.

Then, Rubio went back into the bathroom and continued shaving. After what McWilliams describes as “a few moments,” he heard Rubio coming out of the bathroom again.

Beatlejuice is my favorite Tim Burton and Michael Keaton film,” Rubio repeated, looking at each staffer in the eye for confirmation that they knew what his favorite Tim Burton movie starring Michael Keaton was. The air in the room was thick with tension, but McWilliams said that Rubio seemed to believe the sincerity in everyone’s eyes; there would be no doubt what his favorite Tim Burton movie that also has Michael Keaton in it is.

Several moments later, they heard “mystical sounding instrumentation and a loud, whirling noise” from the bathroom. Campaign staffers and security rushed into the bathroom and found Rubio standing there, shaking hands with a white-faced man with ratty, greenish hair and wearing a black and white striped suit. McWilliams says he asked Rubio what had happened, and the senator told him he had just gone back to shaving, and thought he should reiterate to himself what his favorite Tim Burton/Michael Keaton vehicle was, and so he repeated, to himself, “Beatlejuice is my favorite Tim Burton and Michael Keaton film.”

“That’s when Senator Rubio told us that Mr. Juice appeared before him asking him who we were trying to scare out of our house,” McWilliams said. After a few minutes of discussion, Beatlejuice seemed to understand the miscommunication and disappeared back into the realm of the deceased.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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