Area Republican Will Mansplain To You Why Trump Won The First Debate

SPRINGVALE, OREGON — To even the most casual political observer, Hillary Clinton decisively won the first general presidential debate of her political career. Local Republican Randall Zammit believes, however, if you “just hear [him] out” and “stop thinking like a woman,” he can explain to you why Donald Trump was the first debate winner.

“And I can explain it to you so simply even a female Clinton voter could understand it,” Randall told our interviewer.

Zammit runs a handful of moderately-sized right-leaning Facebook pages, and after the debate ended he took to them to post about his belief that Trump won. Randall said that while the debate audience might see Clinton as the winner, if they were to judge Trump “strictly on the famous Bell/Harvey Loud Noise And Sniffing Scale,” the alleged billionaire “ran away with it.”

“I think Trump won when he walked out on that stage and he clearly had remembered to leave his white hood off stage,” Zammit said. He said that “constitutes a successful pivot for the general election” and that “as long as he doesn’t stop blowing the dog whistle racist stuff on Twitter” he shouldn’t lose any support from his base.

In one particularly long rant posted to his “Capitalism Has Never Caused Any Problems Ever” page, Randall conceded that “Hillary won if you’re looking for a president that speaks eloquently and gives an impression she knows what she’s talking about.” Zammit, though, further wrote, “Clearly real American patriots are ready for something bold — like incompetent spittle-filled rants and ignorance-fueled ideas.”

“Sure, Hillary won the debate if you’re going solely on her cogent answers, solid plans, and intellect,” Zammit conceded to our reporter, “but that’s only if you think like a woman. You know, emotionally and without any logic” Randall then paused to look up at a TV he had been watching a college football game on, when his team fumbled the ball, he screamed at the TV for three minutes before coming back to the interview. “Where was I,” he asked, “Oh yeah, Hillary didn’t seem soft and feminine enough to win. Then again, we’d have hammered her for not being strong enough if she had been, so…”

Randall said to our interviewer that he sees “a lot of history being made” in Trump’s campaign, and that he believes the reality-TV star has a lot in common with other “great Americans.

“Trump won in the great, grand tradition of other American winners,” Zammit declared, “like Custer, Dewy, and Mitt Romney.”

Semantics are making people and pundits say that Trump won, Randall insists. In his estimation, there are ways to look at the debate and see Clinton as the loser.

“If all you do is judge a debate performance by coherent answers, tone, and demeanor,” Randall said in a Facebook live video post, “sure, he lost. But if you judge it based on the fact that he didn’t literally die or self-immolate on the stage, then I say he won.”

Optics aren’t everything, Zammit insists. To him, there are nuanced ways to look at the debate that show a more “holistic” view of the results. He explained that to our reporter.

“Sure, to the general public, it would appear that Donald Trump got his ass handed to him,” Zammit said, “but I think in a way Trump won. He won by being exactly the person that we Trump supporters have come to know and love — an unapologetic, ill-prepared, ill-tempered, obtuse, stubborn, reality-depraved psychopath.”

In the end, Zammit says that it won’t matter to him or any other Trump supporter what the media or other voters say about the debate.

“The media’s saying Trump lost because he looked unhinged and was condescending to Hillary,” Randall said to his Facebook followers, :Um, have they seen us? We think Hillary’s literally hiding the fact that she’s dying while simultaneously also believing she’s a ruthless, cold blooded assassin. We have the market cornered on deluding ourselves into believing an alternate reality exists, and in our alternate reality Trump won that debate decisively, and no facts or evidence will change our minds.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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