Man Voting for Trump to ‘Piss Off Libtards’ to Give Himself AIDS

BOWLING LANE, ARKANSAS — A conservative, self-described Republican voter has told the press that he not only intends to vote for Donald Trump “purely to piss of libtards,” but he will also be injecting himself with a syringe full of AIDS-infected blood too.

“I just really like doing incredibly stupid stuff to prove iffy points, is all,” Jasper McClintock told reporters via email. McClintock says that his support of Trump’s presidential candidacy comes more from a desire to “stick to liberals, sinners, and Democrats” for “ruining our great nation” than it is about him truly liking Trump or his policies. “Oh, he’s a Grade-A douchebag for sure,” McClintock would say later in a follow-up interview, “but I really love watching libtards and non-Republican Americans squirm at the thought of having such a bombastic, bloviating dickweed as our president. Since he’s a Republican, it makes the choice that much easier for me.”

But the decision to infect himself with AIDS?

“Well, no libtard doctor educated at some libtard university is going to use his government-sponsored degree to tell me I shouldn’t do something for my own health,” McClintock bristled, “and secondly, freedom. Also — liberty.” Mr. McClintock said that if he dies from AIDS, he will die “with pride” because “no simple-minded statist told [him] how to live or die.”

His family has pleaded with him to not vote for Trump, though he says that “for some reason” they don’t seem to mind him getting AIDS if he does.

“They’re not as hardcore Republican as me,” Jasper said, “so they don’t get how beating the libtards is more important than a functioning executive branch. But my sister did tell me that if I do wind-up voting for Trump the AIDS thing is the least I could do for humanity. She and I have that kind of relationship though. She’s always telling me how idiotic I’m behaving. As if a libtard can know such things.”

Jasper said in his final analysis, it comes down to two things.

“I hate libtards and want them to suffer so I’m going to vote for someone I deep-down know doesn’t belong running a K-Mart, let alone the country,” Jasper said, “and also freedom. Maybe I’ll regret voting for Trump. Maybe I’ll regret giving myself AIDS. But I will die knowing I made both decisions for the all the right reasons — petty, stupid, political ones.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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