FT. PAS D’HUMANITÉ, NC — When 26-year-old North Carolina resident Bill Dickerdillia went into public restroom at a nearby park, he says he wasn’t expecting to be “confronted with pure, unadulterated fear,” but that is exactly what happened that fateful March day, and he says he’ll never be the same again.
Bill entered the bathroom and found it to be completely and utterly empty except for two men — one a Republican congressman, the other male escort — making out in the corner. Commenting that he’d “never be surprised to find a Republican doing the old rub and tug with someone” in a bathroom, he thought nothing of it, and proceeded to an empty toilet stall. Bill tells us he placed a sanitary paper covering over the toilet seat, pulled down his khaki trousers, and sat down on the toilet, prepared to defecate normally.
Then, Bill says, it all went haywire.
“I’m sitting, minding my owns, pooping away,” Bill told us, “when all of a sudden someone else comes into the bathroom!” Bill said he wouldn’t have thought much of it, but the new occupant also had to “go number two” and they chose the stall right next to his. This started Bill’s brain “buzzing about all kinds of things,” he told us.
At first, Bill told us he tried to distract himself with his iPhone. He told us he scrolled through his Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and Foomfloam feeds. Then he tried playing some games on his phone. But no matter what he did, he said he kept coming back to the same, horrifying question.
“What kind of junk did this person have when they were born,” Bill said his mind asked him. As he pushed out stool from his own anus, he began picturing many scenarios in his mind. He wondered if the other pooper was born a woman and elected to change their sex. He wondered if they were born male and stayed male. He wondered if they were born on another planet in a far away galaxy where our standards of genitalia didn’t apply and had to have Earth human genitalia attached.
“Oh my God,” Bill told us he thought, “I have no idea if the person taking a monster, mammoth, smelly dump next to me was born the same gender as me!”
Mr. Dickerdillia said that he finished his business as quickly as possible, wiped, flushed, and washed his hands. He said he was going to just leave the park, get in his car and drive home, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling. Had he pooped next to someone whose gender wasn’t rigid and binary? He had to know. So he waited around for his stall neighbor to finish their business and come out as well.
As he exited the bathroom, the man who had sat next to Bill and pooped as well gave Dickerdillia a sideways glance.
“Can I help you,” the man asked, according to Dickerdillia.
“Yeah, I was just curious, can I see your penis,” Bill asked.
“Are you out of your fucking mind,” the other man asked.
“No, I mean, it’s just, I need to know what kind of genitalia you have if I’m going to pee or poo near you,” Bill said he explained.
“Um, that’s really none of your business one way or the other, pal,” the other man said as he walked way, got in his car, drove off, and gave Bill the finger.
Bill says to this day he’s “haunted” by the fact that he’ll never know “just what kinda junk” that other man had. Though, he admits that they were both there to do the same, stinky thing, and that the man didn’t pose any threat to him whatsoever.
“Still,” Bill said, “it just would have been nice to know.” Though when we asked if he’d show his genitalia to someone who asked him to do so in order to verify his genitalia he immediately said, “No way. They call them private parts for a reason.”
And all the world’s irony died that day.