BENT ROD, OREGON — It was not supposed to happen like this, Chad Stiffington told us. He was not supposed to wind up in the hospital. He was not supposed to be faced with an enormously tough road ahead of him, with intensive physical therapy every single day for perhaps the rest of his life. And he wasn’t supposed to be faced with the prospect of one of his organs never functioning the same again.

When Chad made mistake of trying to fuck a stomach pump instead of one designed for penises, however, all those consequences were exactly what his doctors told him he’d be facing.

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“I take full responsibility for this,” Chad told us via Skype from his hospital bed. “It was all my fault. I was the one who though the thing I was putting on my wiener was a penis pump. All i saw on the box was the word ‘pump’ and being drunk and lonely, well, I tried to take matters — and my dong —  into my own hands.”

Three weeks ago, Chad’s girlfriend Sarah left him. It was a tough breakup for Chad, but he says he doesn’t harbor any ill feelings toward Sarah. In fact, he says if he were in her place, he’d have dumped himself too.

“I don’t know, I’m kinda going through a Fuck Myself Phase, if you know what I mean,” Chad said, “So of course I have to go and injure myself when I’m trying to fuck myself. Story of my useless, miserable life.”

Feeling lonely and desperate, Chad says he decided to “get a load out.” He says that taking care of himself sexually helps relieve all kinds of stress and pressure in his life. Over the years, extended periods of single life has led Chad to buy various devices to help simulate different sex acts with women. 

“I didn’t want to end up as some kind of gross incel or some shit,” Chad told us. “So I grabbed a box in my bedroom that I thought had my penis pump in it. Boy that was a bad mistake to make. I forgot that I put an stomach pump in the same box, and well, one thing led to another, and I ended up pumping all the jizz out of my dick. Like ALL of it. I deflated my penis, is what I’m trying to tell you.”

Chad isn’t even sure where the stomach pump came from.

“That’s the weird part; I don’t remember ever owning a stomach pump. It’s almost like it magically showed up there,” Chad said. “Like it was only there as part of a thin premise for a satirical sketch or news article or something. Oh well, I’ve got a flat ween now; what can you do?”

Mr. Stiffington said he would keep us abreast of his progress.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.