LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — A spokesperson for Our Lady of the Sacred Peace Hospital in Las Vegas, Nevada is confirming at time of publication that a 46 year old white male is being treated at their facility after receiving third degree burns over roughly half of his body following a Donald J. Trump campaign rally.
Trump, who has led in most nationally-recognized polls for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination since his entry into the race, had invited the hundreds of people who attended a rally ahead of CNN’s Republican primary debate on Tuesday night to come and heave copies of The Quran — and other “liberal books of liberalism” as the billionaire mogul put it — into a massive bonfire his campaign started in a parking lot of a Denny’s on the north side of The Strip.
“I know how you Republicans work,” Trump said, “you read something and you believe it’s completely true. Well, unless it’s in a liberal newspaper or something.” Trump said that in order to “protect you yooge stooges from yourselfs [sic]” he’d purchased every copy of The Quran in Nevada that he could find so that “the great people of Nevada can rid themselves with fire of the horrible violence of Islam.” Mr. Trump told his supporters he’d “make sure no Muslims got near America — much less the White House” under his watch. That line, with an overt wink, elicited huge cheers from the Republican crowd.
“And if burning them doesn’t prove we’re more peaceful than them,” Trump said with spittle flying from his lips, “then we’ll load up our guns, take aim, and shoot the ashes!” Cheers erupted from the crowd once more. Trump then waved his hand toward the parking lot and asked, “Who wants to be stridently offensive to people who agree with us that violence is not the answer for no good goddamned reason?”
Trump would later tell the press he’s “extremely proud” of how his rally attendees have behaved, even when they shout racial epithets at black protesters. “Who am I to stifle good, old fashioned, American xenophobia and racism,” Trump asked rhetorically later, “aren’t they exactly what this country was founded on? And please don’t show me anything to the contrary because I won’t read it.”
At first, it seemed the book burning would go according to plan, as soon as Trump signed what appeared to be an old diary of some sort for a man in a leather jacket and fedora. Things took a turn for the dramatic and dangerous though, when an unidentified man decided he wanted to hurl an entire box of Qurans into the fire. Witnesses say that he got the box above his head but when he tried to throw them, his momentum carried him right into the fire.
“Help me! I had no idea that this fire that’s burning the books would also burn my skin so much,” witnesses say the man said, “fire was never so hot before Obama was president!” The man then reportedly told witnesses he’d go to the hospital but “only if it don’t take no damn socialist Obamacare.” Though several eyewitnesses tried to explain to the man that’s not how the Affordable Care Act worked, they eventually just let him pass out from the shock of the pain, and brought him to Our Lady of the Sacred Peace, where doctors are saying the man is in “critical but still extremely derpy” condition.
This story is developing and will be updated as more information becomes available.