Man Who Punched George Zimmerman In The Face To Receive Medal Of Honor From Planet Earth

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Several ambassadors from countries around the world met at the Center For A Better Earth over the weekend and decided to award the man who recently allegedly punched George Zimmerman in the face at a bar in Florida a medal of honor. The CFABE is a non-governmental agency devoted to “making Planet Earth better than it is now,” according to its charter.

The CFABE meets once every year to nominate and then award it’s Medal of Honor to fifteen recipients from around the world. This year, the ambassador from Canada suggested that the man only identified in witness reports and news accounts as “Eddie,” be given the award. Though Zimmerman claims the man who assaulted him did so thinking he was someone else who had previously shot at the acquitted killer, several witnesses said that the incident started when Zimmerman started bragging about killing Trayvon Martin, an unarmed black teenager.

“I’m not exactly sure how the fight started,” Ambassador Jean-Luc Mayo told reporters at a press conference, “but I do know if George Zimmerman says water’s wet you better jump in a pool just to be sure.”

Several ambassadors agreed that Zimmerman’s word wasn’t very trustworthy. Others didn’t really seem to care how the fight started.

“Most people, when they very obviously get away with murder, just go away,” Ambassador Susan McColloch from Scotland told reporters,”but not this Zimmerman guy. Not only does he keep getting into scuffles, he has openly bragged about murdering an unarmed teenager several times.” Ambassador McColloch says that even if this latest incident didn’t turn out to be started by Zimmerman’s murderous boasting, he’s “done it enough times to warrant a good pop in the kisser regardless.”

While the CFABE’s Medal of Honor isn’t officially recognized by any government, the group feels it’s still a very high honor to bestow. It comes with the medal and a $50 Starbucks gift card.

“We know this isn’t some fancy-schmancy medal given out by a president or a queen,” McColloch said, “but it’s still pretty much all of humanity reaching out and giving ye’ a nice ol’ pat on the back, isn’t it? And no one deserves a hearty back slap quite like the man who punched that fuckface right in his dumb, fuckface face.”

At the time of publication, police are still trying to track down who “Eddie” is and where he might be.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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