GRACE MOUNTAIN, TENNESSEE — Bob Foy Lee is a self-described “edge lord” who says he enjoys “posting spicy memes that troll socialists and libtards.” Bob describes his politics as “right-wing, conservative, pro-free market, and anti-everything that liberals think, say, or feel.” Lee says he considers himself a “foremost Internet scholar” on three subjects — guns, the Civil War, and butt plugs. Bob is extremely unnerved, he told his podcast audience, at the recent push to remove monuments to Confederate soldiers, generals, and battlefields, and he said the white nationalists who showed up in Charlottesville, Virginia to protect a statue dedicated to Robert E. Lee were “totally in the right and doing God’s work.”
“If we allow the scourge of liberalism to take our beautiful participation trophies from us,” Lee shouted into the camera, “then we don’t live in America anymore. Why can’t libtards see we love this country so much we idolize and worship traitors who killed Americans to protect an institution built on the literal opposite paradigm of liberty?!”
Lee told his audience that they, and every other “God fearing, ammo hoarding, gun toting patriot” should be willing to lay down and die to protect Confederate monuments.
“Just as those bold, brave young men took up arms against their own countrymen in service of an economic model that necessitated the outright dehumanization of an entire race of people,” Lee said, “You must be willing to take up arms against your own countrymen in service of those inanimate objects whose sole purpose is to make racist and ignorant Confederate sympathizers feel good about themselves!”
Bob claimed that even though the Civil War was fought to its conclusion over 150 years ago, and even though the Confederacy lost, and despite the fact that they were, ultimately fighting to protect slavery, monuments to the South’s losing cause are still worth protecting.
“Only a real un-American libtard hater would try to relegate people to history books instead of memorializing their bigotry and racism,” Lee said, “because the rest of us know that it’s worth offending black people or other minorities as long as our white asses still feel good, happy, and safe in our ignorance.”
Lee took a call on his show, and the caller said they were having a hard time lately “squaring being a Republican but also loving the Confederacy and the Confederate flag and monuments.”
“I mean,” the caller asked, “wasn’t Lincoln a Republican? So therefore the Republican Party would be the party of the union, right? Isn’t us defending the Confederacy kind of completely antithetical everything our party was put on the map to do? We used to register black people to vote, and no we’re trying to limit people of color’s voting rights to ensure victory. I don’t know. I’m just confused.”
Bob laughed and laughed.
“Settle down, cuck,” Bob said, “It’s really easy. Our party has had a special Southern Strategy in play since Nixon in ’68. So yeah, we’re definitely not the Party of Lincoln anymore, but who cares?! We’re winning! Intellectual dishonesty and blatant hypocrisy mean nothing when you’ve got control over all three branches of government! YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWW!”