GLEN SPRINGS, MICHIGAN — Looking back on it now, with the benefit of a few weeks put between himself and the incident that cost him his job, Greg Latonovich says he wouldn’t change a single thing, but he sees how he could have handled himself with a bit more professionalism.
“I was having a rough day. My wife and I had an argument over whose turn it was to care about the kids, my kids got an argument with me about why I’m such an asshole to them, and I got a flat tire on the way to work,” Greg told us via Skype. “So when I got to my shitty, low paying job, and my boss started giving me Hell about being late, I was ready to snap on him.”
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However, Greg, says, he kept a cool head for the first part of his day. Even though he was seething on the inside, he tells us that his family needs the paycheck he earns at the local dildo factory he works at badly enough that he wasn’t going to risk losing it. But then, he clocked out for lunch and his boss approached him as he was heading to his car.
“He walks up to me and says that he notices I’ve been slacking off on the assembly line, which was total bullshit,” Greg said. “I’ve been the knob end finisher for five years now. I haven’t missed a single dildo, the entire time. Every single one that came down I pulled off, and twisted the head onto, without fail. Sal’s been looking for a reason to fire me for a long time, and I knew this was his lame attempt to bait me. You’d be surprised how much baiting is done at a dildo factory, I bet.”
Greg told us he gently pushed back, telling his boss, Salvatore Dickerdolldildo, that he should look at the production numbers, and he’d see Greg’s hard work.
“But that son of a bitch didn’t listen. He didn’t care. He said he knew I was slacking off for months and that no matter what I said, I couldn’t convince him otherwise,” Greg said. “I told him, ‘Hey, if you think I got carpal tunnel NOT screwing fake dick heads on to fake dicks, you can take this bullshit job and shove it.’ And I waved one of the Model 69’s at him while I said it.”
That, Greg thinks, was the breaking point for Sal. The other employees and Greg have long believed that Sal was secretly uncomfortable with his line of work. He’s a devout Catholic and very conservative socially, and yet Sal manages a dildo factory. That, Greg said, puts Sal on edge as a default setting, and when he was told to shove the job, he thought Greg meant the dildo itself.
“He screamed and yelled, and said he should file charges against me for sexual harassment,” Greg says Sal told him. “He said that I was creating a hostile work environment by threatening to sexually assault him with one of our Model 69’s. I said he was acting like a fucking idiot who’s never heard a very popular song, and that’s when he stormed away, and came back a couple minutes later with my final paycheck.”
Mr. Latonovich was terminated on the spot. He says he’s not all that worried because the dildo factory only paid just above minimum wage and wasn’t a unionized shop. Greg’s already got a few interviews lined up, and he was happy when he found out his wife was relieved to find out he was no longer working at the dildo factory, even though they’d lose his employee discount and that would make gift giving around the holidays tough.
“But she said we’ll find something else other than dildos to give our loved ones,” Greg said. “Which is of course sad that the end of an era has come. But Susan told me she’s just glad I won’t be in that stress-and-faux-cock-ful environment anymore. And I really appreciate that.”
Mr. Dickerdolldildo could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.